Idk what to even title ts

I'm trying to get things ready, from my birth plan, to getting everything we need for when the baby comes, to making sure our toddler is taken care of and everything else that comes with having a second baby.

My first labor and delivery was extremely traumatic and I was badly abused and constantly gaslit by the doctors, nurses, midwives and other staff at the hospital the entire 35 hour labor and even after the c section delivery. My husband literally sat in the chair the entire time while I tried my best to advocate for myself through extreme exhaustion, sleep deprivation and very highly medicated.

For example: the worst was when he came in the room from talking on the phone to his brother at hour 33 when it was time to talk about an emergency c section and he wanted his brothers advice for some stupid reason. His brother relayed to him that he thought I was taking the easy way out and I should just wait it out and deliver naturally. My husband casually told me what his brother said as the nurses were preparing me for the c section. Mind you, I was 4cm dilated after 33 HOURSSSS from my water breaking and contractions completely stopped. My heart rate and the babies heart rate kept tanking and I was going in and out of consciousness, basically passing out in the bed. I knew something was wrong so I said yes to the emergency c section. Turns out I was right and shouldn't have had to ask. It was already a medical emergency that was not handled correctly. The doctor had wide eyes saying this was the right choice when she pulled him out through the sun roof. He was tucking the wrong way and his neck would have broken if I'd pushed at all. He had a MASSIVE bruise on the side of his head for MONTHS from hitting my pelvic bone during the contractions.

There are many more examples of the hell those days were and my husband not doing anything to help or stick up for me but thinking about them makes me more angry.

Anyway, we were talking about that tonight and how I am scared and want it to be different this time around. I was saying I want him to advocate for me and not let the staff mistreat me. He got defensive and said he didn't remember any of it and didn't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want him there for the delivery process anymore. Is that wrong? I'm so hurt that he "doesn't remember". I remember like it was yesterday. It was the most traumatic days of my life. Traumatic doesn't even begin to describe it but I don't have any other word to describe it. I'm so hurt by how he reacted tonight. I'm heartbroken. I was excited for this baby and I still am, but I really don't want to have this baby if that makes sense. I just want to skip to the day after birth and I'm even more scared now thinking I won't have anyone in my court.