I know that I make mistakes. I know that. I know that I am stupid. I know that I am not worth much. 

And I know that all of the above, is completely wrong. But I feel that it is true. I don’t know how to make money. I was always the most concerned about not wasting my youth, but yet I am wasting it anyways, like there is no way around it at all, and all the while I am not getting more confident, but less confident, about myself. My post history is also just a minefield of f\*ckery that I am sure even the least judgemental person or section in Reddit will not be able to look past, roll their eyes, shake their heads, and lose all respect for me. I am that broken.

In a whim of anger, and self-protection, I will think that I have it in me to fight, for my life, for my education, for getting a job. At the same time, I am willing to suffer, I am tired of trying to succeed, being scared of success at the same time, seeing that money itself is quite unnecessary and not the most important thing in life. Aka, I should not optimise everything on money, bc for one I think I wouldn’t last studying finance or maths and wouldn’t want to be in competition with those people, and secondly, it is not my nature to go have competition with a bunch of psychopaths who just try to climb a corporate career ladder. There must be a way out of it. Once I am financially stable, I see zero need to have any relationship at all, whatsoever. At all. If you look at my post history, I have a man who is begging me to take him back.

But I won’t for now and not tell my family, possibly, never tell my family. And he probably also won’t tell his family, for a very very long time. He wanted to sleep with me yesterday, is that believable.

I will have to work hard every single day in my life just to maybe make 5% or 10% of what he gets in dividends for doing nothing, just for being born rich. And then, I will have a hard time find in someone else.

Being a woman and waking up to this. Sucks. Wanting to be with him but … I can’t possibly work hard for things or doing things I do not care about and see zero value in (yes, I see no value in working purely to have money), whilst he is just successful so effortlessly, and then still be his partner.

It’s just me. I just need to see value in me. I thought I will go to gym or running every day, go have a glow-up moment. But I don’t even care enough about myself to want this. I don’t gain anything from looking better than I do or having more money. I don’t care enough about myself to do that. The only reason is to be treated with respect. Isn’t that pathetic? And to gain approval. I am just 23 and every day I am just wasting time being in my ADHD brain in full paralysis mode, while so many people I went to uni with, have degrees and masters from Ivy League Unis or worked at Google, Jane’s street, and the like and more. And me? I didn’t do anything since my grandpa got a stroke and became bedridden, since my ex stepdad stopped being part of my life, since I lost contact to my beloved teachers in China because my brother forced me to use a new account and now I can’t reach them anymore (and it’d be embarassing now to reach out as I’m a failure). Maybe also since my mum demanded me to study abroad and didn’t allow me to move back to my home county (China), and maybe also since my entire family just uses me as a free therapist and nobody knows what my studies are actually about (cognitive science). I studied this field becuase I didn’t want to go the usual business/economics route. And now, I don’t even think I see any value in most things. Not in a depressing way. But in a , do I really want that life, is that life worth living for, moment?

That’s it. I have nobody to talk to basically. And I don’t want anyone else to have this power over my future but myself. But I don’t trust myself with anything. I learned so early that everything I do think and feel , is unworthy. I have such a hard time wanting anything. 

I don’t want to hear anyone in the comment section telling me I am still young. I know that. I knew that when I was 12. It didn’t help, it doesn’t help, it never helps. It just reminds me of how much I am just a failed person who doesn’t make use of her youth to grow a career or change her tax bracket.

I just wanna cry