She’s apologized, I believed her, and I want nothing to do with her

For almost a decade, I went off/on no contact with my mum. In that time, she dropped me out of school for staying out late at a party for the first time EVER, tried to force me to self deport and lied for years about my status to control me. The whole time I was a citizen and I didn’t know. We reconciled briefly and I decided to have a child. That was when everything really fell apart. I went through divorce, she abandoned and turned everyone against me (including my ex husband) until I cut off contact in 2019 when I found out that she was trying to gain custody of my child with the help of my ex husband.

I recently realized I was ready to let go of my anger. It had protected me and I had built a beautiful life but not without many limitations because of the incessant trauma. I called her out of the blue after 7 years and we spoke for sometime. She has changed a lot and realizes her mistake. I am now realizing that I still want nothing to do with her.

Everyday since that conversation, it has become more obvious how difficult my life is because of the choices she made and the ones she didn’t. She played favoritism and I have lived for almost 2 decades believing that I am unlikable because my sisters hated me. I a really smart person. I have taught myself everything I know. I went from living in a car to living in a 3 bedroom house on self employment with a child who is almost a preteen with very little help. Because I am well known in my field, everything appears very okay on the outside. So many people think highly of me and yet, everyday I have to take three medications so I don’t abandon everything in my life because my intrusive, obsessive thoughts convince me everyday that people are simply tolerating me.

I haven’t had a night alone to myself since last August because I do not have anyone to take my child and my closest friends live faraway. My life is generally a struggle and I would not be here without the love and support of my friends and acquaintances. The last thing I want to figure out is a new relational dynamic with my mother who I don’t think I could ever look in the eye because of what she did—much of which I refuse to ever speak about again.

I am surprised by this feeling even though I told others over the years that I would never have a relationship with her. I can’t believe it is actually true. I never thought, I could feel so much compassion for her while wanting to never see her again. The last year has been rough but I am finally telling her today that I can no longer do the occasional phone calls because I don’t know how to talk about day without remembering that much of my struggles are because of her. I was literally filling out intake forms for a new psychiatrist and I broke down because once again, she is the reason I spend so much money every month on mental health care.

It is all too much and feels unfair. But at the same time, I am bewildered by how sure I am of this decision. I never thought such a day would come.