Miserable, but stuck

My first marriage lasted a year and a half. It was passionate and intense in the good ways and bad. The love making was amazing. The fights were explosive.

I was young (22), wild and carefree. We ultimately ended up divorcing because he had commitment issues (he was engaged prior to us getting married) and ended up cheating on me. I was heartbroken.

But then I met my current partner, and he was very different than my ex. My ex was an adrenaline junkie, fun, exciting, outdoorsy, into many different hobbies, social, VERY fit, played guitar. This new guy was a friend of a friend. He was softv spoken and calm. Sweet and cheeky. Had a sense of humor. Was reliable and dependable. He fell for me very quickly and put me on a pedestal. I , being in a very vulnerable state and feeling raw and rejected from my divorce 6 months prior, really enjoyed the attention and affection. He treated me really well... initially. In the early days, we had lots of fun together, great chemistry/sex, great convos, similar taste in music. About half way into the first year of dating I started getting cold feet about it. I didn't really know what it was then, but looking back now I see that my intuition was trying to tell me something. I broke up with him. He basically turned around and said he was heartbroken, he thought I was the one, and all this kind of stuff. Long story short, I decided to give it one more shot. That was 15 years ago.

We have 2 kids now and well, a lot has changed. Those fun days are long behind us. I am trapped in a sexless, sad relationship. We got engaged at one point when I was pregnant with my first and on it babymoon, but never ended up getting married. I lost the engagement ring when my daughter was only a year or two old. Again, another sign.

We've definitely grown apart and the stress of parenting has broken us. But we had problems long before kids, too. I started to have very intense physical pain during sex at one point and I went to the doctor about it, thinking it was something I could easily resolve.. An infection or pelvic floor dysfunction that could easily be remedied. No. It turns out, this is condition with no cure. It's vulvodynia. It got worse and it's still a problem to this day, and it's ruined my life in some ways. The only real way to get rid of it is to undergo a very intense surgery that costs a lot of money, in another country, because they won't do it here in Canada.

Anyway, I honestly feel like I hate this man sometimes. He's so cold, has no empathy sometimes. He's blunt and rude. He's mean to me and mean to the kids. Perpetually grumpy and moody all the time. There's just so little warmth. I'm sure it has to do a lot with getting no sex but I didn't ask for this infliction, either. And yes, I'm aware we can do "other stuff" but truth be told..I just don't want to. Why would I when he's so mean and treats me like crap?

I just want to leave him, to start a fresh new life. To meet someone kind and loving and warm. Who loves me and treats me well, with RESPECT. I'm sick of being treated and talked to the way I am by him. I honestly think he's turning into a misogynist. I don't like his character.

I'm trapped though. I made a very stupid decision to stay at home with my kids and make no money for years. I've never been good with money, I'll admit that. But he made really good money and took care of me and the kids financially. I'll give him that.. He's a good provider. But I'm miserable. I'm not happy. I feel sorry for my kids, for having him as a dad, and sorry for myself for not listening to my intuition all those years ago. I could have had such a different life. Actually met someone worth being with. Someone I admired and respected. Someone I could genuinely say I love, am proud to be with and raise kids with. I feel none of that towards my partner. I feel... Tolerance. That's it. I tolerate him.

Yes, there are sometimes good moments and happy moments in this household. It's not ALL bad. But ... Ultimately, I've settled. For mediocre. For "ok". And I feel I deserve more than that. Yet, at the same time, I don't see how I could possibly ever get to a good place if I left him. It's complicated.

Anyway, I just really needed to type this all out and say it somewhere. It's been weighing heavily on me. I just hate that both my relationships have been utter failures in their own ways. I'm super jealous of all my happy married friends. It feels like something I might never ever experience again in this lifetime, and that's sad.

:(