No help is coming

I wish people didn't get my hopes up. When my mother was abusing me. Putting cigarettes out on me. Starving me. Shotgunning blunts with me. No one cared. People watched it happen. My grandparents watched it happen and deny it to this day. I lived in poverty. The school watched me starve in school because we couldn't pay for lunch. They didn't care. No help was coming.

For some reason I held onto hope that I could get better but it was stupid kid shit. In the real world you get abused and then thrown away to live in the streets. Through being good in school, I got scholarships and got a computer science degree right in time for it to be toilet paper without nepotism. None of my efforts mattered. My body and mind broke down after getting covid. No one knows what's wrong with me. Some tell me I'm not trying hard enough.

The people who can help me won't because I can't afford them. The people who want to help me can't because they're just as fucked as me. I'm stuck relying on then. I'm sucking on what little resources they have like the parasite I've always been. They would be better off without me if they could let me go

The fucked part is I was almost out. When I was 10 I almost commit to ending my life but I believed the bullshit that suicide prevention counselor told me about they're being help for me. I believed them. I was stupid. If I had done it then I would have saved myself so much suffering and wouldn't be a burden on people who can't afford it.

I was honestly selfish for not doing it. But now I'm stuck because people are attached to would be destroyed if I did. So I have to suffer for years so people who can't help me don't suffer.

And before anyone tells me that there should be resources for people like me. The government should take care of me. Let's be real that's just not how the world works. It never will be. The government would rather burn the world down then help people like me.

Suicide is the best option but I will never get it because the world thinks dying after years of suffering is better then ending it prematurely. It will never get better. I was stupid before thinking it could.