I wrote a letter to him I don’t know if I should send

I hope this message finds you well. But if I am being honest, I don’t know if this letter should be seen because it encapsulates and includes so much that is unsaid but may remain better unheard and better unseen. But after everything that had happened between us, I still cannot fathom or come to an acceptance of the fact that we have arrived at this point. I am terrified about a lot of things, how I am supposed to continue living life pretending that the person I wanted to share a future with doesn’t exist, how I might one day walk down the aisle wishing it was you, or how I am still supposed to believe that there is good out there in the world after everything I had dreamed of was stripped away in one moment.

There is one thing that people with terminal illnesses say. Hope is the most profound and powerful pain out there. There comes a point in which being hopeful and optimistic no longer carries a meaning. When you are at the end of a chapter, hoping for an alternate ending is the worst thing you will experience because it offers you a sense of comfort you know isn’t true or permanent. Having experienced so much good, there are people like me that still continue to hold on to hope because I believes in us. I think what hurt the most was not losing the relationship itself but losing the future. It was the fact that all of the dreams and plans that felt so certain suddenly vanish and grieving a life that never got the chance to happen. What I regret the most is not giving more of me to get the ending that I thought we would have. The most saddening part of all of this is that if anyone were to ask me what I remembered the most about us it would not have been anything but it would be the way that I loved you, the way that you once love me and the life we built together during the time we were together.

I truly believe that there will always be a part of me that mourns us. Not because I cannot move on or because I don’t think I can ever find it in myself to be happy again but because there is sort of love that will leave a permanent mark on you and become a part of who you are. You will always be a part of my life, my growth, my happiest memories, and I will never be able to pretend otherwise. Afterall, grief is the price that you pay for love. There is nothing I believe in more than love. Love is a feeling that you cannot push away and pretend it never existed. It can be the most daunting feeling in the world, but to still love deeply and faithfully is a beautiful reflection of people. Being in this relationship made me feel as if I had never experienced love. It opened a world full of possibilities for me and also taught me how important it was to cherish and hold on to the moments that seemed small at first but are impossibly precious now. I have never felt so certain with someone and never thought I wanted to change for someone but with you, so many things feel possible.

I also need to add once again that I have never once been unfaithful to you and never would have been, the thought did not even cross my mind once and I feel sick to the stomach just thinking about that. Whatever that happened before our relationship had absolutely nothing to do with the way that I have grown to love you and the fact that my heart belonged entirely to you. I have never wanted to hold on to my past and cause you feelings of hesitation because I can swear to you that you were the only person in my heart and not a single soul out there would even come close. I apologize so sincerely and deeply for the pain and the annoyance I have caused you but I wish you knew that I would never in my life intentionally hurt you. It had always felt like a responsibility to me to always protect you from anything that would hurt you, and knowing that I was the one who led to this makes me feel pathetic for failing in the one thing that I have believed in. I understand so fully that my past bothered you and the fact that you too wanted to move on, but more than anything I wanted for us to move beyond it because I believed that we were worth so much more than that. I truthfully believe that this relationship was the one for me, and maybe I sound pathetic and naive, but it was the hope that kept me going and gave me the will to prove to you that I have left such things in the past where it belonged and spend the rest of my life showing you who I will become for us, not who I used to be.

When I first committed in this relationship, I too had my reservations. I chose to put them aside because I did not want to let your past define who you were as a person. I used to believe that people cannot change until I met you. I believe that people truly can change when they have the right reason and motivation. To me that reason and motivation was you. I wanted to be the best version of myself that was worthy and deserving of your love. I felt as if we had a fresh start, a new chance and opportunity for everything. I thought at the time that I was doing my best, but with the power of hindsight I realize that there were so many things that I could have fufilled. You said that I couldn’t let go of my past, but I don’t think that is true. The person who struggled to let go of the past was not me, because I was not comparing you to people who came before you or wishing for old releationships. I was never reacing back into previous chapters of my life because I chose you. The painful part is that it feels like you need to take the step to try to let go for us. Nevertheless, throughout the past couple of months, there had been instances that I had hurt you and caused you doubt and distrust. It did not matter what my intentions were, what mattered was that I had caused you to feel a certain way and ultimately led us to this. I realize that no amount of apologies will erase the past, but I believe that love between two people is powerful enough for them to overcome the past and fight to be together again.

I am writing this letter because after everything, I still want a second chance with you. I am not begging you to manipulate you, but I am doing so to salvage the life that we were building together. I want a second chance because I cannot possibly walk away from you, and stand there and watch our life together wither away and become a distant memory. We both committed to this relationship knowing everything before we started that we know today. I told you this before but one of the reasons I love you is beacuse I see so much of myself in you. I see a person that is afraid of getting hurt and when something indicates or conveys that, your defense mechanism is to walk away before you get hurt further. I understand that. I am much more vulnerable than you in many different ways. I understand how daunting this is to you and how hard it is for you to manage, but I want you to know that I will spend the rest of my life repenting for every single time I have caused you pain, and also spend the rest of my life making your life better in every single possible way. I want you to know that my past might have defined me at some point but I let it go because I see better things that are much worth fighting for and holding on. I don’t want to make empty promises, so if you ask me what my complete plan is to make things better, I would be lying if I told you that I knew what my plan was for certain. But there is one thing that I know for certain, which is that I will never allow myself to feel powerless in the way that I cannot do anything to fix this relationship. I am certain that I will always look for the better and not look back. I will never underestimate any of the pain that I have caused you or may cause you, and promise to be open with you with everything. I will never make you feel weak or small again. I can swear to you that I will be better and give you the love and the relationship that you deserve. Just like you, I cannot undo the past but I hope that if there is one thing you believe in, it is the immense love that I feel for you that I know is enough to make sacrifices for the better. When I picture my future, I wasn’t just picturing the person I am now, but the person I would become over the next many years. I want to learn from my mistakes and leave old versions of myself behind. I want to keep growing into something that made you proud to call me yours, because loving someone so deeply makes me wnt to become the best version of myself. I was ready to spend a lifetime proving my commitment to you and I think that is what broke my heart. I wish that you don’t make a decision based on who I was before us, while I was dreaming and planning about who we could become together. This is not a finished version of me, I am still growing and looking forward to spending a lifetime growing alongside you.

Back to what I said about hope, I still feel that it is the most immense pain and cruelty out there. That is what I am feeling right now. Frankly speaking, I am feeling so many waves of emotions that I cannot pin point it to just one, or even a few. I am suffering from a sort of pain that I have never experienced. It is a dagger in my heart and gut that twists slowly that no amount of tears and words can describe. To be blindsided thousands of miles away is an emotional trauma. Death would have been an easier punishment because the pain would only be temporary. It makes sense that my brain is spinning trying to find another reason because my heart cannot comprehend how someone can be so ruthless and cold. I am looking for a logical explanation but I won’t find one because this was not logical, seeing that even you agreed it did not have to come to this. I feel so powerless and so small because I lost the one thing that mattered to me, the one thing that I could have done anything to protect. I really wish that there was at least one more part of you that remembered how good this relationship was. I have said this a lot but you are truly a blessing to me and I will be eternally grateful for that. Being apart from you made me realize that I really did not want to spend life with anybody else. Good people do not come by often. There can be thousands of people that I meet in life but when I meet the one good person, it makes a world of a difference. You came into my life and with full sincereity, all I have ever wanted was to be better for you and to give you the world. I love you so much that I can genuinely do anything for you. I can die for you without a doubt. It is with you specifically that I want to fight for and with, and to become better versions of ourselves that will one day look back and laugh about all the problems that we had because we would have already solved them.

There are still so many things that are left unsaid. I could write a novel about how much I loved you. But no matter how unfair and evil something may seem, I always believe that everything happens for a reason and fate is inevitable. If we were meant to be, maybe one day we will find each other again, but if this is truly the end, then I hope that years from now when both of our lives have moved forward and this chapter feels impossibly far away, you remember me with kindness. You remember that there was once a girl who loved you with her whole heart and would have walked through fire to give you the world and build a life with you. And I also hope that you never have to wonder whether the love I felt for you was real, because it was.

Sincerely,