Hopeless

Ive never made a reddit before so sorry if i do this wrong. I’m a 16 yr old female, my mom is a hispanic female and my father is black.

all my life i remember hating my mom. And when you say it aloud you usually get disappointed looks or you get brushed off as a troubled typical teen, thats what makes me upset.

i’ve always been hit, beat, screamed at, threatened and what do i do? i take it. It’s all ive been doing for 16 years and im finally sick. usually i spiral like this every couple months but im done thsi time. it started when i realized the things my body involuntarily did when i was sound her, how my body, the only thing that truly knows me, percieves her as a real threat. I tense up, glance around my shoulders, clench my jaw, get small, my blood runs cold, i get irritable, i get scared. Thinking about it makes me so upset and especially how there’s absolutely nothing i can do it about it.

I remember when i was 6 and me and my cousin were tossing a teenage mutant ninja turtle action figure (it was leonardo) and i accidentally hit my cousin in the face and she started crying, my mom got pissed and made me go to her . she made me hold my arm out and held the action figure and started striking me with it over and over again until i cried, i remembered how all her sisters were telling her to stop and i was forced to sit at a table by myself for 10 minutes then was forced to bed by my dad ; it was 7pm.

I remember when i was 11 and i had developed a porn addiction, my mom eventually found it and took my phone until i was going into freshman year, everyone called her crazy but i defended her.

i remember when i was 12 and i had started my period and didnt tell her for 3 months and when she did find out she called me disgusting and selfish, then forbid me from going swimming at my aunts that day so i didnt get my “gross vaginal blood” on anybody. i was embarrassed and ashamed and i stopped regularly swimming after that, i still don’t swim unless i am with friends but that’s at most twice a year. 

I also remember at 12 when she told me that i would go to hell and she wouldn’t be sad because i didn’t fully want to give my life to god.

I remember when i was 13 and my mom was screaming her head off, spitting in my face, shoving my shoulder all that. She asked me something about “what time do you think it is” and i glance without moving my head and next thing you know my head is almost knocked off my shoulders; she slapped me across the face for “rolling my eyes.” i cried that night a little.

I remember when i was 14  I was going with my cousins and grandma for 4 days in louisiana and wanted to swim, so i packed a bathing suit and she told me i wasn’t swimming because i was on my period, i then lied and told her i wasnt, she saw blood on the toilet seat a day after and barged into my room and made me take my pants and underwear down to check and see if i was bleeding in my underwear, i told her no and she got so enraged and i pulled everything down while crying, she just looked at me disgusted and walked out with my sister on her hip. i felt really gross and stopped wearing bathing suits around her as well and talking about my period, everytime it was the topic she would always make sure to scream about it, not caring if she was embarrassing me. she had made threats before that to check my vagina and see if i was bleeding, i always asked her to stop saying that.

i remember her always making me watch my little siblings and if i complained, i was a spoiled shitty brat who’s ungrateful. i’m always called spoiled and lazy, i do more chores than anybody in my house, i maintain perfect grades, i do 3 sports. i remember when i was 15 and she had found a bloody pair of underwear in my dirty clothes basket and almost beat the shit out of me because she was so mad, she took my phone away and made me wash everyone’s clothes in the house, when i cried and got mad, she took me by a chunk of my hair and dragged me down the stairs and i fell. 

I also remember when I was a freshman in high school around 14-15 I had went to my counselor because things at home were getting so bad and I was flagged with major depressive disorder and they had to call my parents and tell them I was having or I used to have suicidal thoughts, not even having them present. My mom got mad at me when I got home and told me that I was making her look like a bad mom and I was just attention seeking and I was ungrateful and I don’t have depression because I have my own room and I get to do sports. She didn’t care that I had suicidal thoughts. She only cared what others would think about it. then after that I remembered she wanted to be a good Samaritan and she put us up for family counseling. Not just one on one therapy, family counseling. The counselor wasn’t really helpful to me. She just told me listen to my mom. She was a black lady mind you, i’m aware how abuse is sometimes normal in black families, and she questioned my depression and said it was because I was dating a girl and that’s why I was confused. even then I knew it was wrong to say that. I don’t like girls anymore but to tell that to a 14 year old is odd. if i were to sit here and tell you about everything she’s done to upset me, it’d end up being a chapter book series.

I truly hate my mother and feel no love for her but I can’t tell anyone about this, i will have no support. i’ve been physically abused, emotionally, verbally, and sexually twice. idk what to do, my dad will not help me. i can’t run away as i want to finish school and i have friends, i couldn’t tear my family apart. i’ve tried to kill myself twice, once at 11 and another at 14. im thankful it never worked because then i wouldn’t be able to live and tell my mom what a shitty person she is. i just had to get that off my chest and hopefully i can share more whenever i feel hopeless again as i only feel comfort when i read others experiences.