at what point is it no longer misalignment, but fear of finalization / inability to grow up

was always a really really hard worker + overachiever growing up. studied constantly and was obsessively perfectionistic about the sport i played, both of which ended up helping me get a full ride to a top 5 college. should have done something with that, but somehow got hit with insane depression that led to four years of self-isolation and self bullying, paranoia-inducing decisions, and routines and behaviors that were the result of pure apathy. felt like any lust that i had for life was completely extinguished + i burnt myself out from pursuing career paths i thought were “correct” because of family members (i.e., double-majored in economics and chemistry, applied to med school, ended up going into finance).

now im roughly 3 years into a field that i feel little connection to or ambition for; and wondering if i just need to wake the fuck up, or take the leap and do something else (have been building up a case for going back to school for something entirely different). i guess i just see the last 7 years of my life as a complete and utter failure, and im worried that there’s something rather rotten in my soul / personality / the dissatisfaction i feel rn isn’t just circumstantial. idk. haven’t been good about prioritizing the things i care about, feel like ive fallen short as a child / sister / friend / girlfriend / mentor, etc. feelings that are exacerbated by the fact that the people i work with are super into what we do + ive somehow schemed my way into being way overpaid yet underqualified, and i constantly feel as though im falling behind and cannot relate to the people around me at all.

have been having panic attacks all week bc ive now convinced myself that i have no idea who i am / what i want and that im a waste of space, because i havent yet accomplished all of the things i used to dream of (which were always arbitrary and rather fuzzy notions of being happy / liking what i do as a career and being excellent at it). cant even mourn this stuff in peace, because then i start to think about how selfish and self-concerned i am. but, i cant stop?

i dont like being in my 20s. everything i do feels embarrassing and shameful and highly disconnected from myself (or, the person i always felt i was before i started to suck and lost my spirit), the people around me, and the world.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH