I’m stuck

Hi, I’m really stuck and I know this probably isn’t the right place to talk about this but I’m truly conflicted. To put it simple I guess I don’t feel like myself anymore, on one hand I want to be this hypermasculine person who works out and idk fishes 😭 but in the other I want to be this petite girl. I swap between these two nearly every day. One day I’m insanely masculine the next I’m insanely feminine. It’s eating me alive keeping me awake at night and depressed knowing I’ll never achieve either body’s if I stay the way I am. I kinda have nobody to talk about this to, my irl friends would parade me with jokes and my family are like really homophobic so idk what to do. At points I thought about killing myself to make the overthinking stop but that wouldn’t achieve anything. I feel like I’m trapped in one body with two souls always fighting for dominance. I’m just tired and exhausted and really really fucking scared I don’t know what to do to be honest.