I need advice

So…I was in a six year relationship that started when I was 14 and he was 18. At the time, I didn’t understand how much that age gap and power dynamic affected me because he wasn’t cruel to me and I didn’t see him as a bad person. But now that the relationship has ended, I’m realizing how much I grew up inside of it and how much trauma, attachment, shame, and emotional immaturity got tangled into everything.

I had a lot of trauma before him, including bullying, loneliness, unstable friendships, confusing sexual experiences when I was young, and situations where I became deeply attached to people who were not emotionally stable. During quarantine, he became my main source of comfort after I just got out of a devastating situationship, and I fell hard for him. We became sexually involved online before we were officially together in person.

Over the years, he showed me love and care in many ways, but I also struggled a lot. I was depressed, anxious, avoidant, and emotionally immature. I didn’t always know how to show up for him. I got lost in coping mechanisms, fantasy, and fear of abandonment. I also had confusing feelings for someone else when I was 15, when we were together, which hurt him, but I struggle with how to understand that now because I was still a kid figuring out my sexuality and identity.

We broke up because he felt exhausted and like I wasn’t giving enough effort, and he was still upset over the whole me catching feelings thing. Afterward, we stayed in low contact but that kept giving me hope. Recently he told me he has feelings for someone else at work, while also saying he still cares about me, still loves me, maybe hopes we can be together again in the future, and is hurt too. It devastated me.

I feel stuck because I’m grieving him, angry at him, still attached to him, and also realizing there were serious issues with how our relationship began. I don’t want any of this to blow up publicly, but carrying the full context alone feels unbearable.

I don’t know what I’m asking for exactly. I think I just need someone to hear that this was complicated and that I’m hurting. I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying so hard to move on, but this entire thing fucked up completely, to the point where my depression has gotten so much worse.