I hate my ex-abuser, I hate hate hate her so much and I can't go enjoy the hobby we share because she's friends with integral figures in the local scene (listing everything she did and venting about the hobby space, heed the tw, I'm just venting)

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I need to talk about this. No advice please. It's all said and done, I just haven't been able to like, fully express everything she did to me with my closest friends because it just.. I feel like they'll judge me (they won't, I'm just scared).

I (M20) started dating this girl (F20) I met off of grindr (we're both trans but that's not that important to all of this) around a year ago. We dated for 8 months before I broke things off the literal day before Valentine's Day, though my closest friends all say I should've left her sooner.

Why didn't they tell me that until after? I didn't tell them any of the horrible shit she was doing because I thought it was normal :/

A list of things I endured:

\- Lovebombing, actual lovebombing: Telling me she missed me nearly every hour, texted me all day with no break. Bought me expensive gifts right after we started dating after I told her to stop because it made me uncomfortable. Said 'I love you' after three weeks of knowing each other. We started officially dating like, two days prior.

\- Kept trying to push me into a more dominant or masculine role despite me saying I wasn't all that comfortable with it.

\- Disregarded my rule of 'dont touch my chest if I leave my shirt on' multiple times.

\- stuck her hand down my shirt and binder while I was trapped in her car on the highway multiple times.

\- kept asking me to have raw sex because 'cleaning up condoms is kinda annoying, and you're on birth control anyway'. This went on for a while, she said I could say no, and I kept doing it but I gave up to get it to stop.

\- after previous: told me "doesn't it feel better?" And I said sure to again, get her to stop talking about it. I didn't feel a difference.

\- kept putting me in positions I did not like and did not want to do because they upset me and embarrassed me. Not in a way that was like "oh but you just need to enjoy it!" I actually hated those positions and wanted to curl up after.

\- I was trying to open up about past abuse once and she grabbed my chest and made car noises while using it as like.. a gear shift I guess? Idfk what she was smoking there.

\- Told her that Jewish people don't have a hell (I'm converting), and she didn't believe me, and I had to apologize to her because she got upset (Christian)

\- Constantly did what she wanted on dates, even after I tried to make a plan.

\- In 8 months, made me finish twice, ever. Sex was over when she finished because "my hands hurt, my jaw hurts, do it on your own". And I tried to bring up more foreplay but she did it once and then stopped.

\- would often times just roll over after we had sex/after she raped me (will get into soon) and we couldn't cuddle and I didn't get much affection. Often left me feeling used.

\- when I panic, I shut down. She kept getting upset at me when I was having anxiety episodes because she thought I was mad at her, despite me, in an anxiety episode, assuring her that I wasn't. And then she'd get upset for misreading the situation and I'd have to comfort her (this happened a double digit amount of times. Woulda been fine if it was once. And if she didn't like, commit crimes against my body).

\- her brother during Christmas did a Nazi salute behind my back and she didn't think it was that big of a deal. She was like "yeah it's bad but he's like, the reddit humor atheist guy".

\- ruined seeing a new movie with my friend. I invited her because I thought it would be nice if she and my friend and I saw a movie together. She was quiet and mad afterwards and kept freaking out and wouldn't talk to me, kept making negative remarks about the movie (she would say negative things about a lot of stuff we did sometimes). Told me the day after she doesnt like hanging out with me if we're with my friends. We had hung out with her friends before and she was fine with that.

\- once when she stayed the night, she silently rolled over and got on top of me three times. She did not ask me any of the three times if I wanted to have sex. She didn't say anything. I was scared and nervous, and just checked out at some point. I never said yes. I regret not saying no, but I don't know if it would've gone well considering that she sort of had a fragile emotional state. This was rape #1

\- once while at a hotel hanging out, we were laying down, I was on my phone and she wanted to sleep. I had my volume off. She said she was taking a nap and didn't turn off the lights, I just thought she wanted them on since she didn't wanna sleep that long? Turns out no. And she decided to "make me tired" as well and got me on my stomach while she got on top of me. I just checked out and waited for her to be finished. She just rolled back over as per usual. I just laid there.

\- I could not talk about my issues because it would end with me comforting her.

\- she would constantly talk to me like I'm stupid and explain \*everything\* to me even when I told her I knew something and she said that I couldn't do that because that's what her family did to her. ??? I just didn't like being talked down to.

\- public argument in a best buy where she was probably deliberately misunderstanding me because she was mad and told me to go away. So I went and looked at legos for an hour while I cried and considered getting a ride home. (She wanted a really expensive camera that she couldn't afford to take saturated photos. I suggested that in the meantime she could use Photoshop to fiddle with a photos colors to get what she wanted until she could afford a camera like that. She said "okay I should just go use AI then, huh?" :(

\- got into an argument because she was "asking" me to play Minecraft. She hit me up, said she hadn't played in a while, I said "yeah me too :)" and she then went on to list everything she didn't like about Minecraft and got mad when I "didn't get the memo" after she spent 20 mins complaining. Said afterwards "man I can't believe Minecraft caused an issue.." as if it wasn't a communication issue on her part??

\- break up took one week. She would NOT let me leave her. Constantly told me "stop listening to your friends they don't know us like we do" and "your friends are stupid, start thinking for yourself." And "my friends are calling you mean things for this." And "my friends say you're making a bad decision."

\- I had several panic attacks during this week and missed my college classes.

\- told me, once I was like "no we're done, we're done for fucking good", that "okay but you need to promise not to move on. It's going to kill me and I'll always love you and if you move on I will die" okay... what...

\- after we were through for real, she started posting that she was a lesbian (I am a trans guy. Felt very targeted) and then a week later went back to pan.

\- kept texting me about how much she wanted to get back together and was begging (I was still processing stuff so I had yet to block her).

\- I blocked her.

Now, the hobby space that I am no longer allowed to be in?

We're both furries. And she goes to every meetup and every goddamn convention in my state. She herself is not that well known, but she's friends and acquaintances with some prolific local furries with large followings and merch. Actual friends. These were the friends talking shit about me.

If I show my face at anything, they'll know. They'll see me and I'm so fucking scared that they'll grab her and they'll all confront me and I'll panic or some shit. I'm actually thinking about backing out of being a furry because I just can't fucking stand the thought she's going to find me again.

And it's a well founded fear because her sister tried to add me on discord after the break up (none of them knew it), and she liked my new profile on grindr like a month and a half ago (I recognized the clothes and the bedroom. I had my face in mine. She knew who I was.)

So, I don't doubt she would find me.

I never confronted her about the assault she did, because she'd sure as hell deny it and tell everyone I'm lying. And I don't want to put out a beware or something because again, she's going to find me. And I have no connections or anything and I don't know.

I just fucking hate her and I wish I never fucking met her. I'd be much better off if I never had.