Diagnosed ADHD, think it’s bipolar instead

I’ve ran all my life from the label as many of you would have realised bipolar is one of the more “dirtier” labels. ADHD meds just make me extremely paranoid and weird (more than usual). I feel all the bipolar symptoms and have definitely had manic episodes but actually going to get assessed is pretty scary. I really don’t want the label. This might be because of an experience with an ex who has bipolar 1. I understand that not everyone can be painted by the same brush but I definitely have some internalised hate.

I just want to feel okay. I feel like I’m so overflowing with love and also fundamentally unlovable. I can love anyone through anything. In fact I love everyone I’ve ever met. The only person I don’t love is myself. I want to love myself so badly.

I think I fall into the trap that most people fall into the paranoia that once you get the diagnosis or prescription anything you do or say can be used against you because you’re crazy, even though a lot of other conditions have the same characteristics.

I’m sorry if any of this is insensitive I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve felt like this periodically for at least 13 years.