If Only

I long for something that I know will never happen, and even wanting such things makes me feel like a monster at times. What sane person craves the primal needs I have? I understand your hesitancy, I would even understand if you also see me as a monster. I see myself that way too.

I walk at night, passing by certain spots hoping The One I Long For has read my hopes and dreams. I was even hopeful the day I was given reassurance the path was safe; it led me into a moonlit oasis that night. I may never do it again, it was darker than I’d imagined and I wasn’t sure if you were there to make sure I was safe.

The fireflies were alight, blinking in rhythms that made me feel awe. But as I continued walking the path grew darker. It felt too lonely, and I began to worry other monsters were prowling in that oasis, to take what was not offered to them.

That is a persistent worry of mine, but thoughts that maybe you really are keeping me safe somehow, in the ways I desire, keeps me walking in the moonlight without much worry. My eyes are always scanning, in fear of those trying to claim something not offered, but also scanning for You.

Hoping, fantasizing, dreaming.

I know it will never happen, because you would feel like a monster too perhaps, if you fell into my fucked up world of passion, risk, and chaos.

You are sweet, kind, and I feel like a dark, poisonous stain in your world. A monster that desires too much.