My mind is breaking

So not to go into full details, but I have several mental disorders. But the one that's most important here is my psychotic tendency, schizophrenia, and D.I.D. I have tried to take my life on many occasions and have been in psychiatric wards. I don't believe in therapists or psychologists. To me, that is a career that is fake and filled with scams. But I'm having an issue and I don't know what to do. I'm starting to have dark thoughts about carrying out heinous crimes against women. At first, I was thinking of taking myself out. But then I thought why should it be me who has to suffer? Why do I have to be lonely and left out? Why do I have to be the weird one who's never invited out? I've kept these burdens hidden but it's been growing every time I see a couple or a woman. Like my mind and the other personality is convincing me that what serial killers did was justifiable. I know it's wrong I'm not that far gone but I feel if I don't get an answer or find something to quell my anger I may very well be on the news one day. It's sad and pathetic bit I'm almost at my breaking point. Like I'm picturing how many, and what I'd do to them. I'm lost and I'm scared but most importantly I've given up on finding my light.