Rant post because life sucks. Read if you care.

At work and I just can't stop thinking about what the point of anything is anymore.

Like this isn't a suicide note, I'm not about to jump because life is hard, but like I feel like a lab rat in a cage, and the feeling just builds and builds.

The only moments of peace I find are when I'm asleep and I'm not me for a little while.

Like I've just got so many issues and the world feels like it's collapsing when I need it the most.

I have nothing, I'm 22 that's normal, but what I mean by nothing is I have NOTHING, no loving family, no irl friends, my love life is hit and miss and for all the wrong reasons.

I just want to not exist, I don't want to die, but I just wish I wasn't born, I have no want to end my own life but I wouldn't be upset if I was hit by a car on my way to work.

The only thing I own in the world is a scooter, I saved and saved for the damn thing, just so I could get to a job that pays me next to nothing.

If I had to start somewhere to just paint a picture, I've never had an image of a loving family, my entire family hates each other and I'm not exaggerating, my grandparents got married because my grandpa got my grandma pregnant outside of marriage, where I'm from that's a shotgun marriage and it was literal for my grandparents, they can't stand each other.

When I was little I found notes from my grandma detesting my grandpa, they fought all the time and were abusive in turn to my mom, and me, my grandma not so much but she let my grandpa get away with a lot, I don't know why they didn't get divorced ages ago, but that's not my business, I just have to suffer the trauma that was passed down.

My grandpa grabbed me by the neck for putting spaghetti on toast, I got the idea from watching iCarly but apparently that was just not okay with him, I still ate my dinner, I was just a kid, he verbally abused me and little brother constantly when we were younger.

Ever since I was a kid I was always put down and yelled at for being "stupid" or "not having any common sense" but what do you expect out of an 8 year old, I have a feeling Im autistic or something but I don't know I've never been tested for it, it does have history in my family but who the hell knows.

But my whole family is just as aggressive with each other, to the point I have step grandparents, because of the amount of infidelity and alcoholism and abuse, they can't stand each other and neither side of my family has ever interacted except for the time I graduated when I was 19.

The only time we ever did anything as a family was when it was my mom's side of the family as Dysfunctional as it was my great grandma held it all together until she died in 2014, she was a sweet old woman and did her best, she wasn't perfect by any means but a cut above the rest for sure.

Even my own damn parents, they separated when I was 10, and got back together when I was 14, but my dad cheated on my mom, they fought for years, my dad threw things at her, they never abused me physically but they took their stress out on me for sure, my whole life I was the useful punching bag, and all these years after nothing has changed.

My parents have always used me as free labor, and I get it, I really do, chores are important and being helpful as a child is good education for life, but I didn't ever have normal chores, I was the live in maid, it really started when I was 12, my mom got sick, graves disease, and was slowing down, so I stepped up, and that was my first mistake, being useful, I try to be useful because if I'm useful people like me, but I keep getting used more and more, it started as helping out with dinner, to cooking it by myself, which did end up becoming a love of cooking but only because I had to cope somehow.

But it just became more and more, fixing things, cleaning. Things, cooking dinner, washing dishes, helping with my little brother, helping with my parents emotional outbursts, just more and more, and my whole family got in on getting a piece of me, and it's at the point now my parents have been trying to find a way to keep me home as now I'm working and trying to find my own life, they keep getting angryier and angrier the more I push back, they threaten me constantly but I'm tried, a life of being rung out will do that to you, I feel like an old man in my 20s.

I've had to deal with my families trauma my whole life, my mom has regressed now to a child, she's been crippled for 13 years and it's eaten at her mentally, she acts like a toddler and on her good days shes just bitter, I've had to hold her while she cried, I've had to pick her up after her outbursts of wanting to die because the pain she lives in every day, I cant fault her for it, but I feel helpless because my dad just doesn't really care, and her doctors can't help her, she has degenerative arthritis, no thyroid, and pins and needles everywhere and there's nothing she can do except suffer.

My dad was never physically abusive to me, but he really hasn't helped me mentally, growing up he was really kind, not perfect but he helped put me on the right path, and then shit just started changing, getting more and more sour as the years went on, I can't imagine what really changed him, or maybe the years just wore away at who he tried to be and showed me who he is actually, because the man who raised me isn't the man who sits on his ass all day and barks orders while gaming.

The only time my dad actually talks to me is about government doings, and he's very right leaning, and I am not, so we fight constantly over stupid things, he has a very narrow shallow hateful view point of the world, he laughs at gore videos and doesn't care about children in need, he's changed so much from when I knew him as a kid.

The only time we have a conversation is about GOVERNMENT DOINGS and it's always a fight, I change how I feel about government doings on the spot because its the only time he talks to me about anything and I just want to talk to him about something even if it means we fight and get heated.

And further on my dad, he's always been the soul breadwinner, my mom used to work but her illness took her mobility and she can't work anymore, but my dad has just lost the plot, he used to actually go physically to work, even when he became tech support and worked at this call center he used to go into work and actually leave the house, and even made a friend who when I was little I called uncle but I hardly even see him anymore, and neither does my dad, after COVID my dad just moved in permanently and hasn't left the house since, not for anything, not even my own damn graduation, I had to cry and beg to get him to come to my own damn graduation, and to this day all the money we make goes to him, he has this beefy epic gamer computer with LEDs and 5 monitors and 2 Laptops, only 1 monitor and laptop are for work, he games while at work, he does nothing, he complains and yells, the first words out of his mouth in the morning are "get me coffee and do the shit I asked you to do yesterday" and me and my brother do exactly as ordered or it's threatening and yelling.

I miss the man my dad used to be, I miss the mom my mom used to be, I miss the grandparents I once had, I miss my life before I was so painfully aware of my place in it.

My whole life I grew up poor, we got by from luck, and the good grace of relatives, but now all our money is being sucked away and it's not getting better the current state of the world and my country means it's never going to be better either, I hate the fact I can't say what I mean about a certain orange baboon currently puppeting our way if life but I digress, the point is, the way things are I dont know where to go.

Growing up I had friends but we grew apart, I have no irl friends to do anything with, and no one I meet is all the interested in things I enjoy or want to do, and I have no access to any community events because I have zero transportation other than my scooter, my parents had a car but my mom drives as hard and as fast as she can so we never have them long, and we haven't had one for three years, which I've been saving so I can buy a car for them.

I'm so fucking miserable, I'm depressed I fear, but I have no way of knowing or getting tested, I dont even know where to go, my mom says she can see that I'm depressed but hasn't tried once to help me, she uses her depression and misery to one up everyome around her instead.

I wake up and for 5 minutes I'm so happy because I'm still loading my entire being, and then it all hits me and I cry, I've been crying my self to sleep most nights for years, I don't know how much longer I can keep all this stress inside and the yearning for better.

I've always tried to be better, to do better, I have horrible tendencies but I don't give up, the online friends I have are great people and have always been there for me, I just crave the attention of someone I can see, or hold or talk about the universe with but everyone I meet is either too old, too jaded, or isn't interested in anything I like, I'm really nerdy, like I'm southern as can be, born and raised in the South but because of my dad I had access to games and Star Trek and the like, but 9/10 people I meet are only interested in fishing, hunting, trucks, or drinking their life away, and I I wanna do more, I'd love a fishing buddy as that's the only thing out of that list I like, but the only guy who's ever wanted to fish with me was my dad when I was 10 and one of my coworkers who I can't stand because of a whole laundry list of reasons.

It's not like I haven't tried to make friends but it seems no one wants me, I've thought it was me, but I try everything, I try to be myself, I try to be someone I'm not, I've been told my whole life issues about myself and I've tried to fix them as Ive grown up, I was always pushed to be my best and treat others with respect and be nice and thoughtful but it seems like everyone now either hates you by default or thinks your trying to get something from them, so I just keep my head down around my coworkers and strangers because being seen means getting hurt in some way.

It's funny because growing up I was always told children are to be seen and not heard

But it's like I'm so angry and miserable and my brain is so scrambled I just operate on autopilot all day until I can't take it anymore and I breakdown crying, always alone of course because how the fuck do I explain my feelings to anyone???

The only thing I'm proud of is the fact I can hold a job, I want more and I want to pick up a trade and I want to be a chef I have dreams, I try to reach them, but I get fucked in some way every time I try to get closer to my dreams, I can't take it anymore, I fear I'm going to explode on the wrong person or something, I don't want to be mean, I don't wanna be boring, I don't wanna be weird, but I don't know how to do anything but copy the person I'm talking to, I'm always code switching I'm only myself to a select few people.

And my love life...I'm a virgin, I don't really think it's a big deal to lose it, I don't feel relationships are only about sex, I've had relationships before, I've been intimate before, I've traded and been traded nudes, I've just never had physical sex with anyone, which isn't the biggest deal, it's just the circumstances I've been dealt...

The only woman I've ever really loved, saw a future with, planned with, was raped, twice, fortunately she never became pregnant but she still was scarred, and I've had to live that pain with her for years, we were together for so long, we were committed to each other, planning a future with each other, and did things with each other, for a long time she was my only proof I'm normal, I'm a person, she made me feel alive but then it was all taken from us, fortunately we still talk and now that time has passed we even talk about getting back together once we're stable enough but that's just the issue I CANT GET STABLE WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE, there isn't anything affordable anywhere, the cheapest rent near me is almost a grand and the cheapest housing near me is 90k like I'm so fucked...

We didn't talk for years, she couldn't tell me the truth for years, she blamed herself, fell in with a bad crowd, got out of that crowd and only had her dad and me and her online friends for company, the love is still there between us but life is in the way and I can't see any way around it.

She's all I have, I have no life, I've tried, I've even dated other people in the time since we've broken up, and those relationships never went anywhere partially because of me and partially because of the other person, I have my issues and I don't need to bring that to anyone's life, I've had so much time to process my feelings and my life, but I just feel stuck, I know I'm capable of more, and can do more, I'm already the best person I have been in a while, my ex changed me in so many ways, I will always have her to thank for making me feel normal and pushing me to be better.

I have things to be proud of, I have people who need me and I have want for better and that's all that's keeping me going really, if I didn't have so much tying me back I'd just willingly go into the wild and travel, be a traveling bum.

I learned to live without my ex, I've changed, I've become a good person, at least I try to be a good person, I have hurt people who didn't need to be hurt and didn't deserve it, I suffer for it every day but I chose to be better, I have to be better for the people that need me, but the weight of it all keeps me suffering and down and depressed and there's just no end.

The world keeps getting more and more claustrophobic, more and more keeps being piled on top, the housing market is bad, the job market is bad, my country is bad, my family isn't helpful, my life is in shambles and I have nothing.

If you read any of this thank you, it's long, ranty and barely makes any sense unless you've lived it but it's all i got, thank you, just know I have no plans of killing myself, this ain't a suicide note, there's nothing you can do to help really, unless you have 50k thousand dollars to spare because unless I get super lucky I'm fucked, I've got a job and an iron will and that's all I own.

Good luck to you if you ever even see this far, this is my life as best as I can tell, I am not perfect but I am human and I want better for myself and the ones I care about.