Feelings of a Path Walked Often

This is just a little something I wrote a couple nights ago. Deciding to post it here so that if somebody, somewhere, feels the way I do, at least they know they aren't alone in this battle.

It's strange. You can feel your muscles, all tense with anxiety no matter what youre doing. An anger hidden deep within the crevices of your skull throbbing with the desire to escape and lash out at those around you. Two feelings clashing together in your gut, intuition, unable to make up its mind on if it thinks itll be alright or not. This grasp on your throat, squeezing it with sadness and grief until you nearly choke. A deep, primal fear knotting your chest, preventing you from moving in any direction other than a circle. A shameful flush overtaking your face, making you feel everything and yet nothing all at once. All of these experiences all at once, and yet through it all it almost feels serene. Like its the only way you can live, because its the only way youve survived till now.

It's like the body is addicted to feeling this way. Like a junkie doing whatever it can to get its fix, the body and brain forces you to throw yourself into situations you simply cannot handle just to feel these things its become dependent on. I want to escape, and the path towards that final step to cross the line is easy. But when it comes time to cross that line, the border from what you know, what you've grown to see as comfort, to something completely unforseen-- an unexplainable, unforgivable fear overtakes you and throws you back to the start to begin the journey all over again. Because through the many times you walk that path towards who you want to be, the overgrown, grassy, wild forest begins to show a dirt trail where you have traveled many times before. And over time, that trail becomes home. It becomes more comforting than the cabin just past the clearing, where you have yet to walk. Logically, you know that the cabin is a necessity for survival. It will protect you from the harsh blizzards of winter, and the scorching heat of summer. But during the seasons between, when the temperatures are just right, your emotions overtake you. They prevent you from reaching that cabin before the unforgiving weather becomes too difficult to traverse, and eventually overtakes you completely, leaving nothing but the trail you carved out in its wake.