Grief (tw: blood, birth)

I’m 35 and having a total hysterectomy this summer. I’ve been writing to deal with my Big Feelings about bodies, uterine autonomy and (social worker here) fostering someday. Sharing in solidarity and wishing you all peace in every era of your journey ♥️

I knew it wouldn’t
before I knew it couldn’t

I made peace with my body.

Bled out a tearful sorry,
Bled out the hope to change,
Bled out onto my bedsheets,
naked and in pain.

I want to know the flutter of your kicks inside my belly
I want to know the bliss that only gestation can tell me
I understand my time is up, I can’t believe it’s over
I only wished I could’ve held the me that wasn’t sober.

A hostile place that leaves no space for cells to replicate,
My fingers feel around at night to try and find a gate.

This is gift for someone else, a child seeking home.

This is a gift for me,
myself,
the shame’s already blown.

A mother by another name,
no genome map required,
I’ll teach them about rest because I know that they are tired.

And when they don’t get chosen it’s the last nail in their coffin,
but I’ll teach them how to mend because the heart won’t be forgotten.