I'm so tired of struggling with socialization

Sorry if this is a mess but I just need to vent. And y'know, idk how to fucking talk

This week has been a wild one for sure. Started fucking amazing, and now..... Well, I'm drunk sitting on the kitchen floor blasting punk music to drown out the dark thoughts. I tried so hard to cope without drinking but it just became too much :(((

Sunday was a crazy but overwhelmingly positive day for me. It was not only the first day of construction for my first major project as a cabinetmaker designed and built completely by myself, but also I LOST MY FUCKING VIRGINITY! 💃

Thanks to encouragement from both my close friends and fellow autists on Reddit, I recently tried dating again for the first time in over 7 years. I had been talking to someone and went on multiple dates and thought we really hit it off. I have horrendous social anxiety and they were so patient with me when I had to work through the barriers my body built up over the years of trauma to actually do what I want, instead of running away like my instincts were telling me to.

I hooked up with them Sunday night, which is my first time ever. And although it wasn't perfect, I genuinely enjoyed myself and thought it all went well. They felt bad that they were unable to make me finish, but I reassured them that I still had fun. They messaged me on Monday, but since then I haven't heard back from them.

I've texted them a couple times since, but haven't gotten a response. It's so heartbreaking because this always happens to me and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Most of my attempts to make friends or try out dating end like this.I thought after years of learning about myself and attending counseling and other things it would have gone better. I thought I understood how to go about a new romantic relationship. I guess I was wrong.

I'm just so tired. This relationship was so revolutionary to me because for the first time, I was able to be physically affectionate with someone. I'm dreading going back to being chronically touch starved. I just don't know if I have the energy to start the whole song and dance of a new relationship anytime soon.

Im so jealous of people that can just like...socialize successfully. It feels like I'm performing a surgical procedure with how difficult and unnatural it is to me. As much as I need love it's like I'm not allowed to have it, and it kills me

I'm sure in a few days I'll be able to shove these feelings to the side and put on a brave face like I always do. But I'm just so tired