I can't tell a single friend about this, so I am sharing my story on here. Dealing with painful withdrawals of my LO and I feel like I will explode from it being a secret.

10 years ago I met my boyfriend who I live with currently. His biggest influence was this singer. I won't reveal his identity so let's called him Jared. Jared was my boyfriend's fashion influence and music influence. He'd listen to Jared every single day. I really got into his music too so I reached out to tell Jared I loved his music. He was extremely nice and appreciative and I got to know him a bit and we were kind of friends for like a year and then he faded away and I forgot about him besides hearing his music.

A year ago, 9 years later from speaking to him last, I went to his city in a different state. I thought I might as well see if he had any suggestions for things to do and that it would be nice to catch up with him. Maybe we'd even meet him. He responded with more excitement anyone ever has from hearing from me. He was so beyond happy to hear from me. Sending me hearts and !!!!!! And explaining how happy he was to hear from me and how much it made his night and we talked for about 10 minutes. It was a rush for me since no one ever seems that excited to hear from me. I decided to listen to all of his new music and it got even better. I watched his music videos on repeat for days. I wanted to see him but he didn't respond again. I waited and finally heard from him again after a month. He told me he had been dealing with some stuff and we talked and then he disappeared for another month. Every month that would go by the anticipation grew. Then I realized he was online late at night so I'd message him late and he'd respond more due to apparently my DM's going to the top. He is kind of a well known singer in his city so he has endless people in his dm's so it makes sense that he wouldn't see mine often. Every time we'd talk he'd call me "beautiful" and "baby" and it honestly just seemed endearing because that's what he calls every girl in his comments but I got addicted to that.. he'd even tell me he loves me every time we talk... and It would subconsciously penetrative my heart even though I think he tells that to every fan.. and I am not special.. but I got addicted to it. Every time I'd hear from him again the addiction and longing would get deeper and deeper. I'd fantasize about him sexually and I have had dreams about him every single week. Dreams that he'd be hugging me and I'd feel so tight it would feel beyond real. I'd stalk his social media, watch the same videos over and over again. Scroll until I can't anymore. Find out who his ex's are from his past comments. Found out who his mother is.. found out his father die.. Found his brother's arrest. Found his address. Found his number. That was the most dangerous thing of all... his NUMBER. His number that I can't text. I realized I am in severe dangerous territory and yesterday I deleted all of my social media. I need to find a way to forget about Jared. I don't even recognize myself becoming the stalker that I am. I feel crazed and obsessed. I feel like Peyton's fake brother in One Tree Hill. I feel insane.

Only 24 hours later after removing myself on social media and I keep having the urge to log back in. The moments I hear from him fuel me for days. It gives me so much dopamine and puts me on a high. I feel so empty right now, despite sitting next to a man a truly love and a whole life I have. Limerence made me forget everything I have. The worst part is my boyfriend played him in the car a few weeks ago and it made me sick to my stomach. He said he's gotten back into him. I am scared to hear him now.

I realize I think he reminds me of my boyfriend when I first met him. He feels like a time capsule. I hope I can forget about him I realize what I have before I lose it. Tragic heart break would be worth than limerence withdrawal, that's for sure.