Advice, help, am I traumatised

Just a trigger warning, talk about sexual things
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Not sure why I felt the urge to post this but please give me insight if you feel the same

I’m gonna be seeing a counsellor soon, it’s not basic counselling but it’s called ACC Small claims counselling or something because I think my father potentially did something to me as a boy and my sister. he was arrested last year

I don’t fucking know how to handle his arrest if the charges are real but I don’t know if they are untrue either

I guess I’m posting this becuase does anyone else go though days of isolation, loving being alone but you also find it easy to not be around disappointing humans who fuck everything up and you want to protect your own mental health.

If your own parents fail you then what’s the point of being alive? I find no happiness except being alone and watching my favourite shows and eating fried chicken, that may seem funny but I’ve never enjoyed being around other people and never will. I don’t care anymore

I have the constant urge to do a lot of sexual stuff as well I’m not really proud of. Like imagining myself in perverted scenarios about urinals and masturbating in public (I don’t do that in real life btw) and other weird fantasies (not illegal stuff)

I also feel degraded and like my soul was destroyed 3 and a half years ago because my best friend chose to stop being friends with me and she told me “you did nothing wrong” but she basically ghosted me after that

I saw a future with her, non romantically. But ever since then I’ve been so unmotivated that it’s hard to trust anyone and I don’t care about much else.

This world is so cruel and I want to die sometimes but I know I’d rather be alive because at least I have my favourite food and shows. Without them I’d probably be nothing

I have so many other things about how I feel I’ll probably tell the counsellor like I feel the urge to be naked all the time, I feel like I’m potentially autistic and I always feel like hurting myself but haven’t done anything to myself up until recently when I hurt myself because I was angry and it felt good but i don’t want to do it again

Some days I want to get involved in so much sexual shit I’m thinking it’s maybe because of trauma? I’ve thought about alcohol a lot but always avoided becoming a drinker but it’s harder to resist the thoughts as I get older

Anyway is anyone a psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever who knows more about my brain and can tell me if my behaviour is because of potential trauma