I should've just said something

I want to start off by saying i'm pretty young. I'm just in highschool, 17 years of age. I sat close to this girl in my math class who I thought was pretty. The first time I saw her, I really noticed how pretty she was and I thought to myself that I would just have to "move on" as I'd have no chance. (I'm a decent looking guy, I just struggle with "self hatred"). A few weeks after that, I would catch her looking at me across the room, before seating arrangments brought us close. I would notice, and quickly look away. Sometimes, it was just full on staring, as if I had gold on top of my head. I made note of this, and I spoke to a friend about it. I thought it'd be best to talk to her, hopefully hangout or something. At first, I would ask her to send me homework for the class, and talk to her that way (by getting her number). At this point, we were sitting close to each other. I didn't act.

The days passed by for 2-3 weeks, and still nothing. The closest I got was approaching her and opening my mouth to say something, with barely anything coming out as she was preparing to walk out of the classroom, and at this point in time, had her back turned to me. "I'll try again tomorrow" I thought. At this point, the school year was wrapping up, and the "homework" excuse was a no-go as we barely got any, and it was more in-class work. For the past two weeks, I thought I would just be honest and tell her that she was pretty and go from there. I couldn't stop thinking about her and if me just simply saying something could be the start of something.

I tried to brush it off, but it was constantly lingering in my head, so I knew I should probably just say something so I could stop thinking about it, even if I were to be turned down. Everyday after class ended, I would stand up, pack my bag, and wait... to do absolutely nothing. I would stand around waiting for a miracle to happen, with my brain coming up with an excuse or some thoughts that would discourage me from going through with my plan, even though I know it's BS before and after the small window I have to say something.

The past three days have really done it for me. I had the best opportunity of all my previous "attempts" to go and say something, but nothing. It's like I just froze up or my brain was just like "Yeah no". Today, I noticed that she sat beside me in a free-seating arrangment, and that she was giving me some glances, unlike any other previous days.

I knew that I would have regrets if I didn't say something from the first time I noticed her looking at me. I just don't know what to do. It's things like this that fuel my self hatred. I feel so stupid. I really thought this girl was very pretty, and who knows what could've happened if I had just said something? I am so tired of living in this constant cycle. I am going to think about this for a while...it will bother me without a doubt.