I constantly want to kill myself

Every day I have suicidal thoughts, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, I could be having fun and I would still want to kill myself. I have these thoughts constantly and I'm sick of living this way.

I want to constantly cut myself and try to inflict pain on myself, I try to hide it from those I care about. I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't harm myself anymore but I can't fight it any more. I want to cut myself down to the artery, I want to die a brutal death that I deserve. I absolutely hate myself and I feel like I have to make an effort to fake being happy around people. It's tiring to always be doing this.

I feel ashamed of feeling the way I do, I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this stuff, I feel like I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel. I'm supposed to be the person that needs to help others and be happy, I shouldn't be acting this way. I need to kill myself and I feel like cutting myself is a necessity. It's what I deserve and I need to do it. I'm ashamed of this, I can't talk to my friends about this. My friends don't understand a single thing I'm going through, I feel like they won't care. I feel like they'll view me differently.

I can't talk to anyone, I've gone through 15 different medications, and 8 therapists. Nothing works. I would rather kill myself, I want to leave this pain behind. I can't live with my pain any longer. I feel a sense of numbness, I sometimes don't feel, I'm so used to feeling sadness and little of anything else. I just want to end my life.

Something people just don't understand is how horrible I feel. I can't get myself to do anything. Doing simple things like brushing my teeth is a torture. I can't even get myself to eat. I've lost 15 pounds so far. I'm so tired and I'm out of energy. I don't want to put up a fight anymore. That's something people don't get about my depression. They say that I need to do stuff to feel more fulfilled, I need to give myself a purpose. Well guess what you freaking idiots, maybe Ive tried that already, maybe I don't even want to freaking have a purpose, I just want you all to leave me alone and let me die.

I've attempted twice already, I need to kill myself, no matter what I know for a fact I will eventually commit. I live with so much sadness and guilt. I don't want to live with it any longer. I can't do anything, I'm literally in a paralyzed state, I can hardly get up to walk around some days. I'll stay in my room and cry secretly, I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm such a freaking loser. Im going to kill myself.