I have no motivation

I feel like a failure in everything I do. I feel like this life just isn’t for me. I’m a student at one of the best university, I have great friends, I have a great boyfriend yet I still feel Ike shit. I don't feel satisfied with anything I do. I can't be alone because my mind gets flooded with bad thoughts. I don't know if it's trauma from my past but every time I'm alone I feel like ending my life because I just don't feel satisfied at all.

When I drive, I wish I'd get into an accident and die because I don't want to live anymore. I think about ways I could do it. I don't care if something happens to me because I'm ready to just not be here anymore. The only thing stopping me is my family. How would they feel if I just offed myself? I know for sure they would cry. My mom would probably blame herself again just like before when I tried the first time. She'd probably become depressed. But day by day, the urge to just do it keeps getting stronger.
Every small inconvenience that happens to me makes me want to leave and be gone forever.

I have so many plans for myself. I have plans for the future yet I'm not scared if I die this instant because to me life is just living and dying. What else can I do when my mind is exhausting me? I want to do so many things but I also just want to be free.