I am not enlightened and I can never achieve enlightenment or anything

i can die in meditation fully. i surrender completely. at first, i hear sounds, feel things, and notice time passing, i literally don't do anything. after some time, when that "i" pop back up, "i" know there was a state where even the "i" that surrendered disappear. the "i" that popped back up cannot explain it because it wasn't there wherever that was. "i" am stuck here and can never achieve enlightenment or anything at all. there is no "experience" or anything to report about the experience. it's not "happiness" or anything at all. yes, this popped-back-up "i" feels light and peaceful, but it wasn't there in the final stage; it died. and then also how do i know that came back "i" is the same "i" that died. whatever that booted up this body and this world and this sense of "i" again might've been using my physical brain and memory and thoughts. how do "i" know anything when it's completely vanished so many times. i don't undersatnd it and never will. i am a puppet but self aware. but there is another thing that has control over this "i" because "i" can leave the gloves and stop the dance then comeback and dance again whenever "i" want in a sense.

but whenever i decide anything, speak, or do anything, there is no non-duality at all. "i" always feel things and have judgments, "i" feel angry etc but "i" don't have to worry or suffer because nothing ever happens and nothing is real outside of "i". if "i" do anything, it's not real because the same "i" can sit down, disappear and pop back up and again - there is a "world" and something to "do". anyways there is nothing that can be achieved by "i". the only real thing this "i" can do is die and pop back up and in-between whatever you do in this world is not real because it dissapears in an instant. this "i" doesn't have to do anything, try to make sense of things or try to achieve anything because "i" is not real. and "i" am not enlightned and never will because "i" is just a puppet.