Struggling with gender fluidity and transmasc acceptance

23, pre everything and very conflicted but hoping for a regular therapist soon since i unfortunately won't be able to go to a gender therapist like i had hoped. i think i am getting better at this but i sometimes do think i am a binary trans guy and sometimes feel like i am very much more neutral or even fem (but still more masc presenting in terms of clothing and stuff) but i will admit that i used to watch a lot of shitty trans content creators that burned into my brain that gender fluidity isn't real and that i'm just "making things harder for real transmascs" and i don't really know how to fix this for myself. i feel so guilty for calling myself trans sometimes but so confused as to why i feel uncomfortable calling myself cis a lot of the time. i hate feeling confused all the time and ive felt like this for so goddamn long, it feels like there is no way for me to be comfortable when some days i feel like i want to go on T more than anything and some days it sounds pretty unappealing to me. i feel this way less with top surgery and im pretty sure i do want top surgery but im just very over feeling this way, can anyone relate? what did you do to alleviate physical and social dysphoria and discomfort if yes??