I just realized what I'm feeling...

So I'm a Jax fan I've bought all his merch. Or most of it. I've been home for about 4hr after watching it. And after Jax's abstracted I have been feeling nauseous and there is a deep pit inside me that I can't shake.

And I just realize what it is. I'm in mourning. In the past decade I've had 5 deaths that were close to me and this is exact how I felt. Shock, pit, depression that lasted weeks. Mind can't stop thinking about it.

It feels so stupid to be this attached to a show and a character to have a physical reaction. I mean I know I was using this show to cope with my life but I didn't expect it to hit like this.

I can't get that scene out of my head where he begs to not go. It's just playing on repeat. I bet big time on the wrong horse.

I'm too emotionally compromised by this ending and it get worse because Jax's backstory hit WAY to close to home. I already knew that I liked him because he kinda acts like me. A lot of deflecting. I understood why he was how he was but seeing laid out like that was gut wrenching. The parental abuse, the homeless. That was me at that age.

I've been trying to find things to do that could serve as a distraction but every time I do. It just stop doing the thing and zone out.

Jesus Christ this is crazy. I'm actually in mourning for someone who isn't real. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

And just like when my mother died I was in shock for a few hours, saying I was fine, that she didn't even raise me.

My husband asked if I was going to cry after the movie but I just waved it off. Now it's hitting me. He knew. The shock is waning and I'm now laying on my couch trying not to cry and failing. Fuck.

I don't hate the ending but it's harder to accept than I expected. I thought I prepared myself better. I don't know if I can't trust myself getting this attached to a show ever again.

I'm so envious of everyone who has such stable lives that they can watch the show bad or good and return to normal. So so jealous.

I apologize to that Caine collector if I ever dismissed your feeling in episode 8.