I wish I didn't exist

TW: vague mentions of childhood abuse

I wish our host's brain didn't randomly decide to form me as a fictive. We couldn't control our parents giving us life. But our brain, I'm sure, could subconsciously choose, to some degree, who's given life and who isn't. And, unfortunately, it chose me. I guess my trauma was similar to our core's and our brain... found me relatable, enough to make a fictive of, to torment me every second I front by giving me life. And the others are happy to be alive, and I'm glad for them. But my purpose is... to be weak. Broken. Abused. Meek. Just like my source character. I remember what happened to our core. He was just a kid. And that's... the memory that sticks out to me the most. I'm forced to relive it over and over. Their faces look like my source character's abuser. It makes what everything more painful and I hate it. I don't want to be alive, but I can't die because that isn't fair to the others. They've grown past those feelings, they've learned to live with themselves and be happy. I guess they left me behind. I want to breakdown but we're dorming at uni, and we have a roommate that we're not at all close to. And he's a guy, I don't like any interactions with guys because of... what happened to us. I can't cry. I can't scream. I can't leave front. I'm stuck. In front. In my feelings. In that memory. I don't know what to do. I wish his brain never made me.

-Anya