I want to log out

I have ocd. Everything I want to do I can’t because it will become dirty. I already feel disgusting. What is the point if I don’t have a partner. When I was a kid I was kind of numb to emotions and people. When I finally found my ex, he made me want to live and he made me see how beautiful life was I felt like I was in heaven. Hes the only person I had ever met that I truly liked. Romantically and otherwise. Anyway I have some recordings I took when we were still together some are of us just having fun from 2024 and the rest are us fighting. And I listened to some of it and forgot how much his words hurt. I mean damn, if he’s the only person I’ve ever liked and he said hurtful things like that. It makes me wonder why I even want a partner. Love was and is the most important thing to me. But now it seems whatever idea I had of it doesn’t actually exist. I feel like an actor. I feel like every interaction I have is fake or forced. I hate people, people are the sole cause of all this suffering. I wish I was in heaven with Jesus. I wish I could be naive and innocent again. I wish I cared about stupid things I wish I was dumber. Nothing I do feels right anymore. I might have bpd. I keep making drastic decisions and it’s just it blows up in my face one after another. There is no one I trust. I. I don’t feel safe ever. I wish this was a game I could log out of. I miss being a kid and having hope and dreams. I miss watching Inuyasha for the first time and running up the stairs giddy. I miss crying in front of my dog before having to go to karate cause he threw up and I was afraid he wasn’t doing well. I miss getting called out at recess for chewing gum. I miss playing Minecraft capture the flag while listening to nightcore and eating poptarts. I miss playing super Mario galaxy while watching a new Dan Howell story time video. Now I’m just getting older wasting my potential, making everyone worry about me. I want to live so badly but my memories won’t stop disturbing me. I thought you were supposed to leave your comfort zone and do what’s scary, I just end up making everyone worse. And no one is responding or understands or has solutions. I wish I was numb to this, like the vampires in tvd. I wish I could flip the emotion switch in my brain.