I don’t know what to do with myself or how I’m ever going to feel better

My dad passed about 2 months ago, it was unexpected and he was too young. I’m sure I’m not special. Today is his birthday.

But I’m a doctor now. What happened in the month before he passed was the worst malpractice case I have witnessed. He had cancer which was stable for 5 years. Nobody was worrying about him passing, not even his doctors. It was still stable when he passed. He had a metastasis blocking something. There was an indication to stent it, that is standard care. His doctors agreed. Except they kept delaying it because “there’s time” while he was deteriorating in front of them. Then he got septic, they missed it. We as the family had to alert them he’s septic. They still delayed treatment for at least 6 hours. Guidelines suggest you have to treat it within 1 hour. He got better, initially, then the next thing we know he arrested. They got him back but were like he has no chance. They yelled at us for making them do that and denied all other treatment, against his living will.

I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s not going to be at my graduation. He should be there and I should be able to wish him a happy birthday. I mean I did. But I don’t know if he heard me.

I don’t live in the country where this happened but I was there. I am back in my country now. I totally resent the people of that whole country. It is this bluntness and cruelty disguised as honesty that I grew up with and never liked, especially towards us as ethnic people.

To them he was a procedural inconvenience. To me my whole world shattered. While I was there shaking and upset a nurse made a terrible comment so I kicked her out. That nurse overheard me complain and swear (while he wasn’t there) about the doctor who, in the corridor, made degrading comments about the situation. I was in such disbelief because anyone doing what he did would have ended up with a fitness to practice here. She went on to snitch to him. Then another doctor came and started to give me a lecture about my behaviour while I was panicking and sitting on the hospital floor.

I can’t talk with anyone about how I feel. For the last 2 months I’ve been feeling like I’m dragging a heavy rock behind me. If I talk to my mum she interrupts me and say I make myself sick. My friends don’t know what to say, some become uncomfortable because of that and I don’t know what to do.

I had deep brain reorienting therapy because I had aspects of PTSD from all of this and the shaking etc. It helped a lot but not with how I feel. I feel like I’ll never feel good again. I want to visit my mum but I can’t fathom being in that country ever again. No matter where I’d go I’d have to listen to them or see these people who are just “blunt and honest” the same way my dad’s medical team was just “blunt and honest”. One of the first letters that came was from TV licensing, and it said we were informed by the city he passed, we need to know who lives there to set up payment. No condolences and whatsoever and this has been the case the whole fucking time. We are still getting bills in his name every week from the hospital, which knows he passed. The only people who were decent there were a few nurses who cared for him and were nice to us. But that doesn’t even slightly make up for the overall experience.

I was going to visit my parents 1 month before he was admitted and was still at home and fine. I didn’t because flights were too expensive. I only saw him in hospital, for over a month, deteriorating right in front of them while the doctors were saying he is fine and they expect him to be discharged soon.

And I didn’t notice the signs of him getting worse despite being trained to spot them. Had I done that I could have saved him. So I literally failed.