All progress i made is gone

My mom threw away some of his stuff. Thankfully I found it. I cant describe what happened its too grafic, but we argued and I hurt myself very badly, and then I ran away. I thought I could finally feel happy and move on, but this put me in the same spot I was when I first lost him. Idk why I was afraid that he hates me. I had to euthanize him and I felt like in his last moment he hated me. I wish I never euthanized him. He was terminal but I wish I never did it. I want him back I want my baby back I cant belive it. I lost him and with that myself. How can I begin to move on again? I'm so lost i just want my baby how do I show him how much I love him? I kiss his flower everyday but does he appreciate it? Does he like it? Does he hate me? I will never know.. in his last moment, he held himself up to see me oke last time. I cant belive what I did.. my life isn't worth more than his im a monster!!! It should be me not him, and I'd do that anytime, any second if I could ensure he would have the best and longest life possible, but I cant!!!! Damn it!!!!!! Pirin i miss you I love you so much i won't ever forget you.