The sheer panic when you see the CDR in your informed delivery and not knowing if it’s 455 or 454

I woke up this morning to my CDR on my email in the informed delivery with USPS as thousands of others have experienced. I have tried 3 different AI’s to help me guess if it’s the wanted 455 or dreaded 454. I checked my SSA portal 20 times. Nothing.

It spurred on one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in months. I had a complete chaotic meltdow. I’m calmer now - but it still hasn’t arrived. My heart is still racing and my stomach is still turning.

I’m hyper vigilant and listening for every engine sound that sounds like our mail truck. I even threw up this morning from the stress.

I am disabled due to mental health. So that deepened longstanding panic disorder is just shoving a knife into my chest.

But moments like these – being absolutely terrified of just pieces of paper – goes to show you how awful the system is and how hard and emotionally debilitating it can be when your whole life feels like it’s on the line.

It doesn’t feel fair – the absolute fear of having to prove you are hurt or sick or broken beyond repair. The 454 means more waiting and anxiety and fear. The unknown is terrifying.

Wish me luck. Cross your finger. Knock that wood.

Thanks for letting me vent.