A sampler of the worst thoughts I had during/after my last relationship

• I remember wishing my boyfriend would die because I was stressed out about failing a semester, and if he did, I'd have a proper "excuse" for having failed so my parents wouldn't be angry at me. I couldn't let myself break up with him because I thought then I'd be making a "mistake." I couldn't let myself do something I felt was "wrong." Especially since I thought I needed him to take care of me because I didn't have any faith I'd be able to live alone after my parents were to pass in the future. Especially since he promised that I'd "never have to work again" and always paid for everything when we went out. I thought it would also make me a bad person because he was never mean to me, even telling me all the time how people in my past who hurt me were wrong and constantly forgiving my worst outbursts, and how he "thought about me all the time."
• There was one time my boyfriend felt up my chest, on my skin under my clothing, in the middle of the night, at a friend sleepover. I said nothing at the time, and I had woken up to it happening. In the morning I had texted "Did you enjoy my body?" first thing after he drove me home. He said he was "just" thinking about it, and that he was sorry because he already told me before the sleepover even happened that another guy tried touching his ex when she already had a new boyfriend, and they excommunicated him, explicitly after he didn't take it seriously when someone said "even an accusation can mess up your life." He also said he was sorry about not asking. I said "It's okay" and thought it wouldn't happen again. A month later he does the exact same thing at another friend sleepover, and I still don't say anything even after going to the bathroom multiple times, and feeling sleep-deprived in the morning. Again, I text him "Did you enjoy my body." And he says "I didddd." He says I "said I liked stuff like that before" (I thought I was simply referring to touching in his car) and he asks how I felt about it. I say "I don't really care." A few conversations later, he says that response made him "uncomfortable" and that he was sorry and wasn't going to make any advances if I didn't feel like it. Which to be fair, he did end up like that, but our relationship was on a downward spiral before that even happened.
• Because of this^ I ended up wondering if I were to suffocate myself just enough to render myself legally braindead or ​barely conscious, if he could finally be happy with my body and I could get out of hating him doing it. But he'd probably hate it and want me to be happy getting touched.
• I was constantly feeling dread about being around him because I was somewhat paranoid I'd come back from an outing one day and my mom would get angry at me and basically make me feel like I was a failure because of her accusing me of having irresponsible sex with him, doing drugs, or simply getting angry at me not communicating properly about when I'd be home so she would think I was dead or something, ruining our relationship. So I wondered if I should watch videos of children getting screamed at by their parents, while also having porn videos on the other side of the screen, to make myself sexually aroused by the constant dread I was feeling, because I thought about him all the time, but didn't want to have to leave him. But I know he wouldn't like that, and would rather I just like being around him, and when my mom were to scream at me, he'd probably want me to run into his arms crying instead of wanting him to get away from me because I thought he indirectly caused it to happen.
• He asked me (after the sleepover incidents already happened) to get therapy specifically by asking my parents to pay, because I was being severely toxic in consistently talking about wishes to harm others to him and my friend group (because I felt powerless and wished i had the "right" to hurt others that others apparently had the right to do to me), lashing out and threatening, always coinciding with my stress of me being paranoid my life could fall apart by my current mother somehow deciding to start being permanently hostile to me every day, just like my previous one did, and thinking it would be worse because then it'd be MY fault. I refused because I thought if it caused a negative reaction in my mother, like "So I'm not good enough for you to tell me what's wrong?" Or "So I'm so insufferable that you need to tell someone about it?" It would be over for me and I'd have to relive the same days I did as a child with my original mother, except it would be worse because I did something that could have been avoided by simply not doing it, because i was stupid enough to believe someone else over the lifetime of bad experiences trying to get help, because i was gullible and stupid from denial. So I thought if I did do what he said and my expectations came true, I'd either kill myself, my family, him, or some combination of the above.

He broke up with me, and I'm a lot more at peace now, but with occasional flashes of anger. I even know now that my mother apparently never expected me to immediately get a job after college like I expected her to think - she actually wants me to stay away from a job so I can keep my government benefits while doing a small business on the side. She even said herself I should go to therapy because I'd been "acting weird." So now I wonder if I was in the wrong to not want to go because of my fear. And even if, if I actually did want to break up, if I could have and if I didn't have an obligation to stay, and if leaving on my terms would have been better in the long run.

I genuinely wonder if I should consider myself "better" because the lack of active stressors is NOT the same as being able to deal with issues. It's so difficult to tell whether I was even angry at him or angry at myself for staying and getting angry about him doing little things like not responding when I spoke, sometimes telling me reasons why we couldn't do something at all or should do it later (which sounded like word salad, or later would never come), while also refusing to ever pick anything to do when I asked but always going ahead and starting something without my input and me being compelled to participate until the end while feeling dragged along the whole time, plus me getting upset when I'd realized it was a bit late for me to say id be late coming home or he wouldn't even acknowledge how late it was or how I should be getting home. He didn't even seem to care about how he knew his own parents would be upset with him coming home late.

I really am skeptical that just moving along without paying for what I did in any tangible way besides just losing the friend group is the most ethical or just way of handling what happened. I feel like the "right" thing to do is expose myself to my family and accept whatever way of being treated I receive as a result. Even having to accept a bad reputation overall instead of hiding what happened just because nobody else seems to have done anything to warn others about me (that I know of). But my natural instincts move towards the path of least resistance, so I really don't think I'd be doing any noble sacrifices anytime soon. I wonder if that's more selfish than doing the responsibility of being normal.