Tldr: I am not thriving, don’t like myself, and am tired of all this 

(I’ve struggled with bad depression, anxiety and ADD. I also suspect I have autism but idk. All unmedicated rn. Ig I’ll try to get money for it one day. My mood swings from adhd have been terrible. I’m going through emotion dsregulation.)

I’ve always had trouble with making friends and keeping them. I don’t really have any. I hardly have a social life. Just ordering food I have to rehearse so I’m prepared for an interaction. Everything is stressful and I’m awkward. I can’t make eye contact with anyone it’s so uncomfortable and intimating. I keep to myself but I don’t like to be alone. Keeping to myself makes friendships fade away. I feel too odd for most people. I feel too much like a pitiful child. I’ve always felt like an alien. I feel so disgusting being next to anyone. I always feel inferior and that you can’t take me seriously. I’ve always looked for people like me. 

My siblings are great with talking to people. They do it with ease. Even repeating evens and telling stories they’re coherent. They go places. They’re great in general. They go to college. They have people that miss that them when they move from college to college. That’s all I want. I wish I was more like them. 

I’m not thriving. I’m a little behind for someone my age. Idk how to drive, don’t have a liscense, never had a job. All that’s being worked on rn. It’s very overwhelming. I don’t enjoy life. I’ve been waking up just to do nothing/the same stuff I do everything day.

I’ve always been in my head, not really in the moment. Always overwhelmed over something and nothing at all. Instead of doing anything productive or healthy for a long time I just wake up at terrible hours and look up things I want to buy, how I could change my appearance, how I can be as interesting as possible. That’s been every day for me. It’s hard to make myself do healthy hobbies. I used to do art but I’ve lost that passion. 

I don’t like myself in any aspect. I wish I was naturally different. I wish people knew I exist. I don’t know what I want to do with myself. I don’t know what I’m waking up for. It’s like no matter what I do, how I look, or who I am I’m not satisfied, but others won’t be satisfied with me either. I don’t care what happens to me but I also wish something good would happen. 

(19f) Feels like I was never supposed to be here