stealing & entitlement

Warning: may be triggering!

This is about my MIL, she has 4 children, two of which are still minors and the eldest is my husband. We have 2 young children together.

Ever since my husband started working at 15, his nmom has been stealing his money. This started out because since he was underage, he had to have her on his bank account as well, so she would just help herself to whatever she wanted. Then, as he got older, he made different bank accounts so that she could not just take his money without asking anymore. She would still constantly ask for money and he would give it to her. She would ask to borrow his bank card, claim she lost it, save it to her apple wallet and just steal whatever whenever. He still does not have any of those bank cards. She knew exactly when his pay days were and often she would steal money from him before he had even woke up and saw his check. She would often go into his bank account, withdraw all of it and then go spend it on whatever. I want to mention, her two minor children are living in the house with her, where the toilet, shower, washer, and dryer do not work at all. The house is infested by mice. There are holes in the floor. You can walk in the front door, look up and see someone in the bathroom from the first floor. The stairs are broken. The beds are broken. The furniture is all found near dumpsters. However she would steal my husbands money, and go buy lululemon, gym shark, uggs, starbucks, etc. When we first started dating, she once stole 300 dollars out of his bank account without asking or telling him, used it to put a down payment on a car, and then forced him to co-sign the loan. She didn’t mention at all where she got the down payment money from, and then later on he took me out on a date, his card declined, and he checked his account and it was empty. So I had to pay. She once stole all of the money out of his account to take his younger sister who is an adult clothes shopping. Meanwhile the washer and dryer don’t work. So I told him he needed to transfer his money as soon as he gets paid so that she cannot steal it. The next time he got paid, he transferred all of the money to his cashapp immediately. She noticed within the hour, and texted him very angrily saying “I expect 100 dollars from every single one of your checks.” I was astonished at the entitlement.

We now live together and have 2 young kids, so I have put an end to her stealing and asking for money. She recently stopped asking, but it continued long after he moved out. She once made him pay their wifi bill, even though his adult sister who did still live in that house of horrors had a job. The same day he paid the wifi bill, the adult sister went out and spent hundreds on a hideous back tattoo. He claimed he would send the money because he had to help his family or his siblings, or whatever excuse. I would then point out that the money was NOT being used to take care of the siblings, and they don’t even have a TOILET. This makes him upset at me. I would also point out that WE are his family. We need it, it is his responsibility to provide for our kids, not his mothers.

He pays for his own phone every month, however she would still go through his phone while he was asleep, reading our messages even if they were nsfw. She even viewed nsfw pictures of us going through his phone. Recently i discovered she was logged into his instagram account just to read our DMs. I was super upset and forced him to change his password. He however got upset at me when I told him his mom needed boundaries.

I believe one day he is going to wake up and realize that what she did was horrible, it was not even close to okay. Currently he gets upset at me if I call out the behaviors. I feel bad for how brainwashed he is. She does not like me because she feels I stole her husband, in my opinion.

Edit: forgot to mention a few more things.

She made it my husbands job to get her two younger kids to school every morning; which she never makes them go and police have even come to the house due to their chronic truancy. She refuses to work most of the time, and only holds a job for a few weeks at a time. She would refuse to work and collect unemployment and government benefits, and steal my husbands money anyway.

She used to expect me to drop whatever i was doing, go buy food for her kids and drop it off to them. One time me and my husband and my oldest daughter were 45/50 minutes away from them, and she was spamming my husband asking us to bring her kids chipotle. My husband had to be at work in an hour so we said we could not and she got very nasty and began talking crap about my oldest daughter. Who was 6 months old at the time.

Whenever he would take me on an expensive date or get me a gift, she would say “well THAT was a WASTE of money.” And I rebutted that she was way to worried about his money and needed to worry about her own. I would come to learn that she did not see the difference. She also banned me and our oldest daughter from her house before, because he didn’t have any money and believed it was me and our daughters fault. She relied on my husband for money so heavily and openly that his younger siblings ask him for money every single time they talk. If we don’t give it to them, his mother gets nasty. It’s always for robux or something non essential and stupid.

Whenever I point out or have a problem with her bad behavior, my husband finds a way to flip it on me and make it my fault. I just had our second child 5 months ago, and she did not reach out to me on mother’s day at all. When I mentioned this to him, he said it was “because of how I act”. Which is not true because obviously she is responsible for what she does, and I am nothing but nice to her.

Just recently, she texted my husband asking to go on a “solo coffee date” and made it very very clear that me and our children, one of them being a newborn, are NOT invited. When I told him this was rude, he gaslit me and came up with all kinds of nonsensical excuses and I stuck to the bottom line. We are a family unit now. If one of us is excluded, NONE of us are going. He declined her offer, but refuses to admit that it was rude.

Any advice on how to navigate this situation going forward?