We were never together, but why does it feel heavy?

TL;DR

Hi Everyone, I had to get this off my chest.

Let’s call me Pra and him Ban.

We met through a mentor of mine who thought we would work really well together on a college project. My mentor happened to be his uncle, and that’s how we got connected on Facebook. He was a senior to me and guided me a lot. I was 17 at the time (I know, very young), and he was probably 19. We started talking a lot—not flirting, just a genuine connection. I genuinely felt respected, uplifted, and cared for. We talked about family situations, career goals, studies, the future, and everything in between. Somewhere along the way, I developed a very soft corner for him, and I knew he had one for me too. It was never said out loud. There was never an “I love you,” but I promise you, I loved him deeply, and I felt something similar from him. My friends knew about him and would often ask if we were together. I would always laugh and say, “No, we’re just two people who get along. We’re not a couple.” This continued for about a year.

He lived in the capital, and eventually I moved there for my studies. He was so happy when I told him and kept saying the city had so much to offer and that I would do great. Up until then, we had never met in person, despite knowing almost everything about each other—our struggles, family situations, ambitions, and hopes for the future. We both came from lower-middle-class families, were the eldest children, and carried responsibilities much earlier than we should have. Maybe we trauma bonded. I don’t know. When I finally moved to the capital, we met for the first time after almost one and a half years of knowing each other. I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t. We just said “Hi.” We sat in a café for hours and talked about everything except us. I could see so much love in his eyes. I don’t know if he saw mine. I wanted to tell him, “We’ve got this. Let’s do life together.” I never did. Maybe I was too young. I don’t know if 18 is young. Life continued. We kept talking, meeting occasionally, and being present in each other’s lives. I never had a boyfriend. He never asked if I did, and I never asked if he had someone either.

By the time I was 19, my parents received a marriage proposal and were completely in favor of it. They wanted me to marry the man who is now my husband. I told Ban about it. Deep down, I wanted him to stop me. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. I wanted him to say I didn’t have to marry someone else. Sometimes I wonder if, if not him, then maybe I should have said something. Instead, he only said that I was too young to get married. The strange thing is that I usually fight for things. I advocate for myself. I stand my ground. I don’t know why I couldn’t do it then. My marriage was fixed, and before it happened, I met him one last time. We were never officially together, never in a romantic relationship, at least not on paper. He congratulated me, and I saw tears in his eyes. I left before mine could fall. Then I got married, and life happened. My husband is a good person, but my in-laws made life very difficult. I was only 19, trying to navigate marriage, adulthood, and expectations all at once. My mental health deteriorated. I lost focus, became constantly anxious, and nearly gave up on my studies. Ban would occasionally try to reach out and ask if I was okay, but I was married now. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t.

After about a year, my husband slowly started standing up for me and eventually moved us back to the capital. Ironically, I wanted to leave because there were too many memories there. Then one day, destiny did what it does best—I crossed paths with Ban. We saw each other, and suddenly all the “I’ve moved on” I had convinced myself of shattered, at least from my side. He texted me afterward and asked if we could talk on a call. Hearing his voice after a year brought back emotions I thought were gone. During that conversation, I teased him and asked if he had someone. Truthfully, I wanted to know. He sent me a picture of her—his now wife. He told me she had been his junior in college, that she loved him a lot, came from a very rural part of Nepal, and had no parents. I said, “Okay.” I was married, but my heart broke. He would still occasionally text after that, but I stopped replying because it didn’t feel right. Life moved on. He got married and moved to the UK. I moved to Canada. He posts videos on YouTube sometimes, and I watch every single one. He has no idea. Every now and then he would ask how I was. I would answer politely. Surface-level conversations. Nothing more. But my heart would ache sometimes. Then he lost his mother and texted me to tell me. It felt strange, like we weren’t together for the happy moments in life, but somehow still found each other whenever life became unbearably heavy.

Yesterday, after so long, he messaged me again. He asked how I was, how life was in a new country, the usual things. I asked him the same. Again, surface-level conversation. Then, out of nowhere, he asked if I thought we would ever meet again and whether it ever crossed my mind. I said I didn’t know. I acted like I didn’t care, and then I cried. It’s been sitting in my head ever since. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m married. I’ve been married for seven years, and I genuinely think I’m okay in my marriage. Every marriage has its ups and downs. I’m not complaining. My husband and I have our own story, but that’s for another day. I really thought I had come a long way. But that one message took me right back to the beginning. Then he asked if I remembered things. I said, “Only some,” because apparently we were just acquaintances. We were never in a romantic relationship, so why would I remember everything? But I do. I remember every single thing. And then he said he remembers everything too. I know we’ll both go back to our lives. He’ll go back to his day, and I’ll go back to mine. Eventually we’ll become strangers again. But why does it feel so heavy? Why can’t I completely let go, or at least stop feeling something?