I'm lonely, but I don't think I actually want friends anymore.

Lately I've realized that I don't really like having friends anymore, even though I feel lonely all the time.

Why? Because for almost 15 years, most of my friends were constantly getting themselves into serious problems..legal trouble, issues with authorities, risky situations, drama, things they shouldn't have been involved in. It drained me mentally and emotionally so I started pulling away. First I would only reply a few times a year, and then I slowly cut some of them out of my life completely.

In the meantime, I learned how to do everything on my own. If I fail, I fail alone. If I get back up, I do it alone. If I choose to sit with my problems instead of fixing them, that's on me too. I've become so used to carrying everything by myself that now I can't really open up to anyone anymore. Somewhere along the way, being alone stopped feeling scary and started feeling normal.

I never received emotional support from friendships. I was usually the emotional support. The financial support. Whenever one of them had a problem, my mind would immediately start looking for solutions.

At some point, I realized I was putting more effort into solving their problems than they were. Many of them didn't actually want help, they just wanted someone they could unload everything onto.

And now I'm stuck in this strange place.

I'm incredibly lonely, but I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know how to build friendships when I've spent so many years learning that I can only rely on myself. I don't know if I want friends anymore, but I don't know how to fill the emptiness in my soul either.