I made a mistake, feel disgusted, and need support please

My ex started what I call the “fake out” break mid March. We went to see my therapist and agreed to a 21 day co contact plan. For the most part- I did the plan perfectly. The couple of times we spoke were because I was traveling, and he wanted to know I made it safely. Conversations were short, upbeat, and positive.

I came home mid April, we had sex, and then next day he dumped me at our follow up therapy appointment.

Since then- I cannot seem to go no contact. I’ve been so depressed. And all I get is breadcrumbs.

Today- I went to his house, and we had sex. I didn’t want to- I even said “I don’t want to do this.” I’m not saying I was SA’d and at the end of the day- I take accountability for participating.

I feel disgusted with myself now. I feel so objectified and used, and I just allowed it to happen. My self worth and self respect is at an all time low.

This person was everything to me, and for a solid year- this person was a total rock of security and what I thought to be a good and caring boyfriend. And then over X-mas he started to deactivate - and I know now he was under extreme financial stress. I didn’t know this at the time, and feel really guilty bc we traveled a lot and exchanged many gifts which apparently he could not afford.

I was falling deeper and deeper in love with this person, however, his narrative is: I took advantage of him; I “sat back” in the relationship; I didn’t appreciate him; I didn’t dote on him.

I now maybe believe these accusations are actually admissions.

I hate myself for sleeping with him today. I hate that what everyone told me “was such a perfect and GOOD man” did this to me.

How do I move on? How do I gain self worth?

Please be gentle. I am suffering and need help.