Little rant for a closet ex Muslim.

I've no one to talk to about this but this felt like an appropriate place to rant, i'm 21 F living in a Muslim majority/arab speaking country. I've always had doubt about religion but always avoid criticism of it / atheist content cause I knew that It will lead me to leaving the religion which would make my life harder (and it did), I would say I stopped practicing when no one is around when i was 18, I still wear a hijab (I wear jeans tho i wasn't allowed to when i was younger), and most people around me aren't too conservative tho they do say things that shake me to my core sometimes specially homophobia and misogyny. I know a few girls who are queer and one who's an atheist. I'm in uni but I won't be getting my degree till 2029. I don't identity as ex Muslim, mostly because I never felt Muslim and felt like an imposter my entire life. My mom is quite religious and I find myself loosing patience when she talks to me about religion or god. People in my life know I'm not that religious but only one person (another atheist) knows the truth. Tho I've close friends who are less judgemental than most, I always felt like I had to hide this part of myself to be excepted by them, and it feels pretty fucking lonely ngl. I say I'm asexual for the most part but i don't even know whether I actually am or just internalized purity culture that made me this way. I kinda of feel stupid complaining cause I do enjoy some level of freedom that other people in a similar situation don't have, my family would never marry me off or pull me out of school, I do go out with friends and have a level of privacy. Ig what I struggle with the most in knowing the good relationships I have would be destroyed If they knew the truth and no one will be there for me unconditionally. Thank you for reading if you made it this far, and have a good day ! (And and happy pride)