Surviving since I was born.

Always been the unloved child. Lost dad to suicide when i was 2. Mom had to work outdoors so pretty much grew up with a sibling who used to beat me to death and what not. This was somehow normalised and didnt feel like issues until i started putting myself in the world. When i didnt know the abuse was bad, I had achieved alot in my acting career because I never questioned my self esteem. But people would take out my family history to put me down, spoil my name (mind you ive never hurt a single soul) Now my confidence, self esteem everything is crushed. Everything that has happened hits me altogether differently where i have completely destroyed myself and its very difficult to get back on track

I have seen friends break my trust who i treated like my family. I have a loving boyfriend who loves me for who i am but im not being able to become my best self for him. I wish i could show him the best version of me which wasnt consumed by my traumas.

But its getting really bad by the day i am unemployed for almost a year now. My bf takes care of me but i really hate it because i used to be hyper independent because i started working as a child artist since i was 13. I was too matured for a kid but now, it feels like i used to see best in everyone and they would resent me for you know having it despite not having alot. I really wanna be better for my baby because it hurts me alot.