Grieving for a time before perimenopause

I'm having a hard time tonight. Probably the hormones (pun intended!).

I have a few issues going on on top of perimenopause. I have gastroparesis. Adenomyosis and Ventricular ectopic burden. So it's rare for me to have a normal calm day with no issues with one of the above. I'm really now feeling the loss of my pre-peri days. It was like a switch for me over night. I had just gotten my third depo injection in January 2023 and within 24 hours I was an anxious mess. That was 3 and a half years ago now and my life hasn't been the same since (2023 we actually lost 4 people in total and it was just awful so having a anxiety on top of that really didn't help). Other than the other shitty peri symptoms anxiety has been my biggest Everest. I've tried everything to get it fixed - SSRIs, HRT, CBT therapy, exercise, supplements and countless blood tests which has ruled other things out.

I just now feel sad and exhausted after years of this and I've still got a long way to go (I'm only 40). I've just changed my estrogen form to gel and it's only been a week so I'm hoping over time it will eventually settle and perhaps my overstimulated nervous system will calm down. I just want things to be quiet again. I already have to deal with gastroparesis/feeling sick most days and my heart gets extra when I'm anxious or stressed which is most days now.

I just want relief and I'm getting desperate. Sorry I'm talking out loud at this point. I'm just now feeling the grief of my youth. Even with all my other health problems I still got through them and lived my life to the full. Now I just feel sad and on edge everyday. I'm just feeling sorry for myself