Breakup

I need help

So 20F I'm in my first year im experiencing the most depressing phase of my life and I do deserve it. So the story goes back to 2022 September I met this guy named say ' A ' I was 16 he was 17 we talked We started dating I was head over heels for this guy I loved him so so much the purest form of love I could ever experience was with this guy I loved him but our relationship had ups and downs mostly downs the relationship lasted 1.5 years our of which I spent crying over him for I guess 1.2 years. He treated me like shit throughout called me " chutiya " and what not just so he could justify that he's just friends with this girl named ' V ' I had my intuitions they even went to the gym together while he was with me he went to clubs w her he didn't tell her about me which I got to know about a lot later. She posted him on her stories and what not I was gaslighted and I was manipulated throughout. He broke up w me one fine day saying he likes her ( the same girl) I cried my eyes out It felt like the world came crashing down. He yet didn't cut me off neither did he let me cut him off. I had a guy friend named ' B' We didn't talk much while I was in a relationship neither did he because he was in a relationship too and we both were basically going through the same thing we got out of our relationship during the same time aswell so we kind of understood what we were going through and just so I could fill the void after my breakup I started talking to him. I found comfort in it. It felt like escaping everything ( don't forget I was still kind of in touch w A but he was talking to that girl V and he was going on dates w her and what not he told me he was confused about whether he should come back to me whether he should commit to her or just leave everything be) I was constantly getting hurt and this guy B started giving me comfort I didn't tell A about B neither did B knew I was talking to A still. B and my things got so nice I was happy around him he made me laugh and what not but now that I see it back all he wanted was to fuck me. I fell for it once we got physical once every outing with him meant me getting fucked or us just being physical I started disliking the fact that all this is happening way too fast in just 2 months of us talking we got physical. One day I reached my limit I thought I was doing so wrong to B and A was also showing no signs of putting in efforts or anything I decided to tell him about my situation w B and blocked him. The day I told A about it his whole demeanor changed he started acting all innocent all crying and what not. Im such a dumb fuck I fell for it. It didn't even take him 4 months to get me back. I was scared of one thing I didn't want A to know that I was physical with B so I begged B to not tell him about it which he agreed. In March 2024 I got back in a relationship with A and this time he actually was trying his best. I felt loved by him but the guilt had the best of me. B texted me about how fucked up his mental health his and he wanted me to talk to him just until he leaves for college I didn't want to agree but I ended up agreeing to him I think it was because of two facts 1. What if I say no, he gets upset and ends up telling everything to A

2. I was in so much guilt and this two timing thing I got kind of used to it so I ended up agreeing saying it's just until he leaves for college.

All this went on till July 2025 I left for college he left for college.

Guess what the day he left for college he called A and told him everything about how we were physical and How we were still taking.

I don't blame him it was needed I was being a bitch I played with both of their feelings. I even kept A from the truth about who I actually was.

I said sorry to B I blocked him never contacted him since ever.

A broke up with me and I have been begging him for forgiveness since July 2025 till today.

I know things between us will never go back to how they were. Because he was genuinely trying to give me a good relationship back in March 2025 to July 2025 it breaks my heart to think how much I hurt him. He gets panic and anxiety attacks after all that I made him go through I know I did worse with B aswell and it's all that built up karma im experiencing. I think I have slipped into depression I just rot all day idk what to do. And don't tell me to leave A I just want to know am I so wrong am I really a genuinely bad person. I want the cold truths no sugar coating please. Just state what you think. I couldn't add more details there have been things I did with A aswell I kept him in the dark I didn't treat him nice in the period he was trying to get me back. Ifdk what to do.