I'm struggling to cope and I don't want this to continue.

Hi, (19 f i am sorry for how long this is). I'm not even sure where to start. I've been on a gap year since last August and I definitely haven't used the time wisely. The only reason I decided to do it was because I genuinely couldn't cope with school. I finished my A-levels, ended up getting mid grades which to be honest aren't even good despite me having literal breakdowns everyday trying to study then not because of those breakdowns or doing very little. I could barely cope with school. I have a lot of stamina when it comes to crying. During the year I've been breaking down about what to do. My family have been supportive and I'm burdening them, they literally just want me to have some sort of stable plan.

I now have a plan but it's not really what I actually want to do but its for this September coming. In fact, it really breaks my soul that I'm not doing what I actually want because I'm so stupid.

I haven't had the most glamorous gap year. The highlight of it was getting diagnosed with severe adhd and a lot of things made sense (and possible autism, not offcially diagnosed yet). I also tried therapy for 3 weeks and it was lovely until I realised it was too expensive and had to stop.

I did get a job at McDonald's. I've been there for a little over 6 months and it's taught me that I'm behind on the communication side of things. I dont feel like I've improved at all. Today I kept mumbling at customer's and spoke literal gibberish to one. There were also 2 points where I almost cried. 1 low point where this old man was losing his patience whilst I was trying to work the till, not being fully trained. (I cant stop thinking about that aswell).

On a happier note, a mother was with her children and was telling me I was doing a great job. (I smiled and said thank you but was really tempted to say what an amazing person she was, i didn't). Again, this was the same day. I really feel like I'm kind of incapable of learning because I haven't gotten used to the awful moments here. I only do 2-3 days a week now.

Apart from that, in an attempt to balance work with my interests and skills I would like to learn myself and be good at such as language learning, getting closer to my religion (since the level I am currently on is appalling). I have created many many schedules and strategies to get me to stick to these interests/ hobbies/ skills. And none of these have worked. They're things I've been interested in for literal years yet never actually pursued them. During my gap year the most I've done is read a few books and manage to remember some details but that's it.

My friends have all gone to really good universities working hard, it's quite stressful for them but they're really doing amazing and learning so much. Some have got apprenticeships. I've been slightly lying to them about my situation just so I don't look as bad but they're mostly busy and in different cities. So I haven't seen them but I'm really happy for them.

I keep seeing people doing so much better than me, they're doing difficult courses keeping up with hobbies, religion, family and they look fantastic every. Single. Day. They don't even have any problems with socialising, whilst I can barely keep a sleep schedule. I know, it's not good to be jealous and I shouldn't judge people I barely know, they are probably dealing with things I could never know. I want to control my thoughts to not think about other people and compare myself to them but it's so difficult. They're so good at pretending everything's fine aswell.

I'm sorry if my problems don't sound severe. I am really lucky to have everything I have and that just makes what I am even worse. I feel like I can't even get through a day without crying or panicking about something even if it's so small. Like right now, I have work tomorrow at 6am, I was planning on going to bed at 8pm. It is almost 11pm.