It just didn't work out, and I don't know what to do with that

This is long, but I just really needed to put it somewhere.

We met through work about six years ago. Grew up in similar places, similar backgrounds. She was the kind of person where I never had to explain myself from scratch because she already got where I came from. That was what initially drew me in. For a couple of years we had a really good thing going. A lot of good day, with a few issues and fights over small things, but we shared a lot of the same values and beliefs so it all felt manageable.

We broke up the first time because she felt the relationship was holding her back from her career goals. I understood it even though it hurt pretty bad. I did all the usual stuff. Long texts. Feeling abandoned. Self-isolating. But then I locked in and ended up pursuing a similar goal myself not long after. Working was my way of dealing with the loneliness, I suppose. We both got our new jobs, in different cities, and got back together after reconnecting over food and coffee a couple months before we had to move away.

And then went long distance.

Long distance is hard for me. A previous relationship had ended badly over distance so I'd told myself I'd never do it again. But I trusted her in a way I hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. She was genuine and faithful and that mattered to me. It made me feel like we really could pull through.

The small things I'd let go before got louder over distance though. She would zone out mid conversation a lot. Refused to share basic things about her life. Didn't engage with my attempts to do things like play games or watch movies together over call to spend more time together. Questioned my loyalty a lot even though I did my best to always be upfront and not give her a reason to. I extended her full trust. She struggled to do the same. I did my best to understand that moving had been hard for her and keep trying.

We broke up again almost a year later because the jealousy started affecting my actual life. I was the one to end it that time.

A few months later I was having a rough night feeling pretty alone. We reconnected and got back together. For a while it was genuinely good. But the same problems were still underneath all of it. She didn't really engage with what I was working on or wanted to do in my life. Whenever I talked about my future plans she saw them as complications in her own timeline, which is fair since it did affect how our lives eventually would have gone, but it still hurt.

I feel like I gave a lot of myself to this relationship. I'm sure I must have made mistakes, and I know my perspective is biased and I'm not saying this to keep score. I'm saying it because I need to tell myself that I did try my best even when my tank was running on empty.

I moved again a couple of weeks ago. This time for another job. Alone in a new city, I started noticing the issues a bit more clearly. I was constantly exhausted managing everything in my life while carrying a relationship where my needs weren't consistently being met. She must have too.

I called her today to have an honest conversation after a fight we had last night over how I had been lethargic and not talked to her a lot over our calls the last couple of days. Asked if she was open to talking about what we both needed, and whether we could both put in more effort toward making it work until we were next together. She said yes. Asked me to go first. I shared. Said we both needed to make a real effort or I didn't think it was going to work. She said she wasn't in a headspace for a relationship or that effort right now.

And that was that.

Sometimes I think it's easier when your partner does something unforgivable. At least then you have something to push against. A reason to not let the bad person win. What do you do when it just doesn't work out because of life? Neither of us really did anything catastrophically wrong. It just didn't work.

Not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe I'll delete it in a bit. I'm not ready to talk to a friend or family member yet and I just needed to put it somewhere. Its a messy story to tell anyone, and I struggle to talk about this stuff with anyone really.