It’s not fair

Hey, I’m pretty new to posting on Reddit and this is my first post. Every time I I look up something remotely vague or random, it’s always linking back to Reddit. Anyways I’m just giving this a try because I feel utterly worthless and I honestly don’t know how to cope and I just need some words of assurance or if not, some kind of unbiased pov which would somehow give me a sense of relief or accountability or even acceptance. Anyways here we go.
So basically I’m 25(M) and my ex is 22(F), we dated just around 4 years or so, as I text this, it’s been around an entire night before we broke up so posting this, the feelings are fresh. So what exactly causes the break up? It initially started with some texting between me and my ex, we were in our element and nothing really deterred us from acting in negative or change of mood. It was around 11:30pm-12am when she sent me a picture of herself looking visibly upset. For context, we normally send pics of what our day is like, or just dumb cringe faces we send to get a laugh out of each other. But every once in a while we send pics that would illustrate something is wrong. She looked upset and I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she was upset but didn’t want to tell me. Doing what I should, I ask her what’s wrong and pry on the issue as I try to give her some comfort. However, in some weird way, I had a gut feeling on what I suspect was causing the issue. But thinking on it, there was no way I would’ve actually guessed what was wrong. In this case, fate decided to fuck with me in the very moment and make my worst fear a reality. She kept saying I don’t want to hurt your feelings multiple times and this point I was getting extremely anxious and worried despite what my gut was telling me. During the moment, I was multitasking while playing mobile legends on my phone because she types quite slow so it was easy for me to switch in between apps. Well she ended up saying she was taking interest in this other guy and doesn’t want to be my gf anymore. Reading that sentence didn’t hit me at first as I thought this was all some fucked up joke. After prying more on the issue, I realize it was this guy she would usually talk about every now and then. I remember she said he went on a trip to the Philippines and how he’s mixed native and white and another I can’t really think of. She also mentioned how he’s rich. Being me, I used to be insecure about my past partners talk about guy friends, but maturing and realizing that such insecurity would get me no where and create more problems, I never thought of it as a problem. Girls are supposed to have guy friends right? What’s the problem with that? Well in this case, she’s basically doing literally what an insecure guy would suspect his partner doing. At that point I basically lost my temper, and said things I regret and lashed out but within that moment, I cut down her offer of being friends cause I refuse to be some cuck watching some other guy snatch my ex and act like everything is ok. I blocked her number, removed our tracking app, deleted all our photos( I might still have some, there was so many so I need to go back and check again), removed the posts I made on IG but didn’t block her there because even if some attempts of reconciliation, I still had some feelings for her and I guess I’m just not strong enough rn. Basically I just kept it at that. But considering how much time and effort I gave into this relationship, I was absolutely bewildered on how things turn out and there was no way I’m gonna sit here and let her not take accountability for what she’s done. I proceeded to flame our main chat with her freinds and just drop a bomb on what happened, and I end up going to our friend bday chat which we had 2 days before which had around 15 people or so. Our main chat was like 6 people but regardless I’m letting everyone know. The situation got messy and I just let out a quick and immediate response on how I hated her and hoped the worst comes her way and she deserves no peace and who the involved guy was.
Now you’re also wondering what was the relationship like before the breakup? Was it one sided? Was it me being a poor bf who didn’t do enough and acted like a piece of shit? Well let me explain what the relationship was like and what we went through for the past 4 years. Since I’m much older and have alot more wisdom and maturity compared to her, I don’t lash out emotionally and I like to come to a reconciliation and mend the wounds. If it’s my fault, I try to figure out if something I did was actually my fault, and if so I’ll take accountability and apologize and do better. With my ex, she’s the complete opposite, almost child like behaviour. To add, she unfortunately suffers from depression and has a lengthy history from high school up until now(she’s in university now). Getting into that relationship, I figured it would be alright because my previous ex before her, I acted like the typical insecure bf who would lash out and and say things without thinking, and also not taking accountability for anything, rather I flip the argument into her being at fault. I’ve did a lot of reflecting and maturing to the point where i admit my faults and talk like a proper adult when given a problem at hand. I also used to be quite depressed so I understand what it’s like, I also used to take meds so I understand what the feeling is like and how difficult it is to think clearly. Given her state, I was extremely sympathetic and caring towards her during the initial part of our relationship, I believed that over time, it’ll get better to handle, especially when talking it out and going over plans that may help ease it a bit, I understand depression is different for everyone so I was prepared to go down that road and this Time it wasn’t me. Her family is also a mess, her brother is mid 30’s and has 2 kids, a boy and girl. A third one is on the way. Her brother is a far right, extremely lazy skinny man who uses chat gpt to rant and debate over bullshit arguments that would make u question his existence. The wife of her brother is actually mentally ill. She suffers from bipolar and schizophrenia. Because of that, she’s legally not allowed to be let around the kids. My ex mentioned in the past how she used to be admitted into the hospital with padded walls and would also physically abuse my exes brother. That would lead to cops constantly coming over to their house and figure out what the problem is and if charges want to be placed or not on the domestic abuse. They would cus each other out and cause random fights that would mostly escalate into the cops coming. I’m baffled that cps never took those kids yet. My exes mom is mid 60 and still working in a factory(hard labour) so she’s always tired and never well rested(she’s also the main income of paying down the utilities, groceries, and mortgage.) Since the the brother and wife are horrible at taking care of the kids, she’s forced to do literally everything for the kids right after coming home. My exes dad is also a deadbeat who never gave my ex a proper father figure in her life, which also adds to her daddy issues . 90% of her dad was absent even up until now, recently he moved back in and only gives care and attention to the little baby boy. They also have tenants within the house, I think 4? Which they don’t even have legal contract to be a tenant in the first place so idk what’s going on there. And no one cleans up faster them selves, imagine a horder but that’s allocated to almost everyone besides my exes mom and my ex herself( she still has a dirty room at times but you get the point). Now that ive mentioned the state of her home and well being, imagine how much that escalated within 4 years.I’ve also forgot to mention how she also used to have these episodes in public which would cause her to lash out, yell, and make a scene. She used to get insecure about looks, due to my alt and androgyny, I would get company either gender, whenever I’d mention that, she would get insecure and anxious over the topic. I remember this one time during Halloween, we met up with some friends and later on, I mentioned how our fits look hot and feisty, well the convo led to appearancec and she proceeds to go to shoppers drug mart and proceed to buy razors, abandoning me and our friends. Given her state, I was freaking out cause normally if we were at home, I could get ahold of the situation, but we were in public which caused me to flare up. I had to track her down to a washroom within the mall we were in and figure out what stall she was in within. She was mid process of cutting herself and the security caught wind of the situation and were about to call the cops, her child hood freind at the time managed to get her to calm down and got her to come out as I proceed to throw away the razors, we convinced the security not to call the paramedics but that memory seriously sick with me. Anyways, further down the lines I’d get anxious and embarrassed when smaller problems like this happen in public because usually people would suspect the guy as the problem. However I’ve been the most caring, thoughtful, and considerate bf out of all her partners. What’s even crazy is that her friends tell me I’m literally the best bf that’s ever entered her life and define what it’s like to have a healthy partner. She would also cut herself occasionally despite my attempts at stopping her and seeking help. With my clarity I’ve gained, I’ve realized she’s comfortable within her depression and uses emotional manipulation as a means to get what she wants, she also puts up this cute Owo girl facade to further cement herself as a girl who needs babying and protection. Out of all those issues I had to deal with, I still stuck with her and gave her as much care and sympathy as possible.
Now I’ll be mentioning an important factor that did cause alot of problems over the course so let me explain. She is asexual which means she does not seek out forms of sexual intimacy, rather it’s usually through hugs, cuddling, holding hands, kisses, but not actually doing sex. I’m pansexual and I look androgynous, so I usually look masc or fem given how I feel. That also means I don’t necessarily care who or what you are as a preference. If I like you then I like you. I’m also very sexual so I consider that one of my needs. Getting into that relationship, I never had experience with someone who’s ace so it was all new to me. My feelings at first were complicated because of course I love her but at the same time, I wanted sex. I consider sex to be very deep for me so ik the relationship is solid. To be frank, you’re probably thinking that I’m just being selfish because I wanted to fuck her. You may be right and you’re totally fine in doing so. But also consider I have my own needs as well. Moving foward, I gave it a shot, and at first we did had sex once in awhile, but she realized she didn’t enjoy it as much and preferred to cuddle and kiss and do other things like watch a movie or some reels. I never discouraged any of that, but i have a high sex drive which did cause some ups and downs. Especially when i asked and she didn’t want to and get depressed after. Over the years, I started to get more comfortable with the fact that there is little to no sex and I was content with that. I pretty much agreed with myself that I’m ok with not having sex despite my urges and that’s ok. I love her that much and I was willing to sacrifice that and commit. You’re also probably thinking how I coped with that. Well it was pretty much busting a nut if I fell like it so to be frank it wasn’t that hard; but it did get to points which caused me to think a lot on it but I got over it. So after that, I managed to get myself in control of my urges and move on within this relationship, however it was a bit confusing because she also craved admiration and approval so I would glaze and act all horny for her to get her esteem up, but when the mood started to seem like it would fit, it would immediately flip 180 into getting depressed and not wanting to do anything. I would be confused because I was clearly seeing attempts trying to have sex and I would hyper analyze how she felt, her mood, her body. Literally everything I would consider and for the most part, I would let her initiate, but she would only enjoy someone who would take control of the situation. Wtf? I was so confused on the route so I just didn’t really engage much. What we found to be enjoyable for the two of us Is that we would enjoy holding each other close and just start feeling each others body up and down. I would usually hold her boob and just squish it a few times and then stop. She would clench my but a few times and then stop. We had that going for the entirety of the relationship. Regarding any means of communication. She literally states” I find it hard to think”. For those who took antidepressants, the feeling is like fog in ur Brain, no thoughts come through and your literally struggling to form and articulate what your thinking. I never took it that long in my life compared to her, but I understand how she felt. As a means to compensate, she we agreed that we would come back to the issue and give time to figure out our thoughts and reconcile. The fucked up thing is that SHE NEVER DID THAT, and when I tried giving ample amount of time, and when I mean time, I mean a week or more which is more than enough. When I mention an issue, she would get upset or forget what we talked about and repeat the entire process without going no where, so naturally I’d just suck it up and act like nothing was wrong, this also occurred for the entirety of our relationship. Any argument, or any means of communication about something, GONE.
All I can think of is, I took care of her elderly mom, helped clean around the house, help take care and feed the kids that were not my responsibility( my ex would pressure me to take care of them whenever I came over) dealt with my exes occasional crash outs, her depression, the cutting, the insecurity, the arguments, I literally put her self first, and where did that get me? 4 years of bullshit wasted, found some guy who WHO HAS BEEN STATED BY MY FREINDS THAT HE DOESNT EVEN LOOK GOOD.
Idk what else to feel say or do, I lost myself in those 4 years
A bit more context, my looks became much more masculine as I took the role of a leader and let alone a protector and role model, I had problems whenever I dressed fem and a lot of situations came down to me having to look a bit masc so that essentially I would be taken seriously.
I’m tired of ranting my heart out and there is a ton of other info I have were to disclose. So please if you managed to read the entire rant and deal with my horrible grammar. Thank you
Please tell me what your thoughts are, I know people online can be insufferable but 4 years down the drain. I feel like genuinely disappearing.
All POV and opinions are appreciated.