I’ve decided to stop shared custody of my dogs [L]

I was with someone for 6 years. He was emotionally distant and lost. Aside from not being able to connect emotionally, he was good to me. I couldn’t face it for far too long, but I finally made the decision to choose myself and leave him when I hit a wall and hated myself. I ended things 1.5 years ago but have subtly grieved the loss (of potential) ever since. I am 34 and have the dreaded feeling of running out of time/ not being where I thought I’d be by now.

We have shared the dogs ever since. It’s been an amicable and even favourable arrangement. I don’t always want the dogs, so it’s convenient that we are each other’s babysitter. And that’s the only contact we have.

He started dating someone new 2 months after we split and they moved in together shortly thereafter. I can’t say I wasn’t surprised. It stung but I got over it fairly quickly. He wasn’t the man I needed.

A few weeks ago they moved 4 hours away. Conversations about “what to do with the dogs” have been at bare minimum. Neither of us want to prevent the other from having them, but it’s a hard conversation to have and logistically it won’t work sharing them. So I made the decision to let him keep the dogs because I know the dogs will have a wonderful life with them where they are living. I also found out they are having a baby!

I’ve fallen into a dark place and don’t know how to climb out. I don’t want to eat, shower, clean or help myself. I’m really feeling sorry for myself here. I know in the grand scheme of things that all is ok. But I am seriously grieving the loss of my dogs. Depressed at my inability to give them a better life with just me. Mad that i don’t get to live the life I pictured with my ex. And jealous that now he’s doing it with his new girlfriend and our dogs.

I’m crying on the couch in my apartment I can barely afford on my own with a job, that, by my outdated standards pays really well; looking at all the stuff here that he left behind when he split, completely overwhelmed at the thought of packing it all up and moving in with my parents so I can save some money.

I need some perspective, a kind voice, a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m depressed so this feels amplified, but I almost don’t see a point in trying anymore. I don’t want to try anymore.