You’d Hate Yourself

You say you tried to make it work, but you didn’t. Even when I begged you and told you exactly what I needed, you didn’t try to do anything. When I need you, you weren’t there. The way you treated me… if I had ever told you someone had been treating me that way, you’d have hated them and wanted me to leave. You know you would’ve. What’s worse is, in the end, I still would’ve given you chance after chance. But you crossed the one line that can’t be uncrossed. The only thing I care most about in the universe, my entire world. After that? I’m scared of you. I’m scared of what you could do. I learned a lot in that conversation I had about you. I won’t disclose what she said, but you really did a number on her. I’m incredibly grateful that you crossed that line before we were in too deep. If it had just been me, I’d have probably just kept going and the cycle would’ve repeated. Again. For the third time. But my daughter? No. The fact that you reached out to me afterwards, too. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. You messaged me from another social media after I blocked you again. I was stupid for wanting to help you understand and make sure you were okay despite it all. I was stupid for ever loving you. I was finally starting to do well, and you just couldn’t leave it alone. Could you? Now, I’m back to square one. Crying over you and the love I had for you. Angry and hurt at what you did. Hating that you even get to exist anymore. Seeing your name on my phone again filled me with dread and anxiety. So much that I actually fucking threw up. But it doesn’t matter. I meant what I said. If you break no contact again, I’m going to the police. I refuse to live my life scared of you.