What makes life meaningful?

I feel like I don’t matter. I’m single. I hate my job and I’m in debt. My friendships are all very shallow and it’s hard to talk to them. Some of them know I’m in therapy, but most don’t. They are too caught up in their own rich lives to ask me how I am. It’s fine, I have nothing new anyway. I feel as though I’m going through the motions, like a painting that’s sketched, but awaiting the next step. When will I have something to fill the spaces of my life? A partner, a baby. I always say I don’t need anyone, but I want to experience love. I want to be wanted and for someone to try to understand me. To think I’m worth trying for or least pretend once in this lifetime .

I’ve tried everything to be happy. My life is a series of unfinished hobbies. Drawing, painting, writing, crocheting, knitting. But it just feels empty’s when does joy start. I see so many happy people on social media and real life, but I feel like a void. Empty. When does this black hole close? I’m in my thirties. Soon I’ll be Middle Aged. My life will be half over with nothing to show for it. Sometimes I think should I end it now and save the heartbreak. It’s too bad I’m a coward. I don’t choose life, I’m simply lazy. The logistics of dying is complicated, and I have to hype
Myself up to wash dishes and shower. I can’t kill myself, I’m too busy keeping up the facade that I have my shit together.

When does the happiness start. When do I start to matter. Ive tried manifesting, praying, changing myself. I’ve reinvented myself every 5 years since I was 10, and I finally have an understanding of who I am. I know what I what I want to do and what I’m capable of. But I can’t bring myself to care. It’s in my mind, everything feels grey. When does this life start to feel meaningful?