Drunk Post

I'm incredibly drunk and felt the need to spew my repressed thoughts onto a page.

Let me preface this by saying y'all are some of the realist and most beautiful people around, I've been lurking here for over a year and enjoyed all the laughs and doomposting.

I was delusional to think I could ever live my life as a women. Early on I was so sneedy and full of hope, that things would quickly get better and it was only up from here. Now it's nothing but disassociation and constant unrelenting dysphoria.

I can't go outside or consume any kind of media without analysing women and wishing it could have been me, that I could have been normal and not subjected to this torture.

Every waking thought is plagued by hyperfixation on my overtly masculine features and body measurements, how drastically I differ from the average female.

I can't even enjoy a night out with my friends without being reminded what an anomaly I am, constant stares, looks of disgust and sighs of pity as people pass me by.

I want to wear cute clothes, I want to express myself, I want to sing, I want to live, but I'm forever held back because I was born into a male body.

I will never experience growing up, I will never learn what it means to be female, I will never be a mother, I will never be me.

Maybe after numerous years of hrt, tens of thousands of dollars of surgery and countless hours of blood sweat and tears I could maybe experience just a fraction of what others are given by birthright but it will never be enough and it will never make up for all the lost time.

I don't even know what the purpose of this post is, cathartic release I guess? I'll probably delete it in the morning.

I genuinely hope you all reach your goals and live a happy and fulfilling life. I unfortunately just can't seem to see such a future for myself.