I am going to accidentally sabotage my relationship because of my mental illness

I am going to accidentally sabotage my relationship because of my mental illness.
People say that they are there for
You when you tell them about your personality disorder and how they will always love you no matter what but it’s just not true. I haven’t been taking my meds purely because of my depression and not wanting to get out of my bed, walk 2 feet to my purse, search through the compartments until I find that little shit bottle, remove the lid, pop the pill in my mouth and then find my water to wash it down. It is simply too much to even think about doing at times. Since I haven’t been taking my mood stabilizers, my mood… well hasn’t been fucking stable. I want to scream, cry and laugh out of pure anger. I don’t get why the hell i even feel this. I don’t know. Not a clue, but I just do. I can’t explain it to my partner on why I feel like he’s pulling away from me and how he probably hates me and wants to end things with me because he is witnessing how much of a mess I really am. I sound insane. I know I do but I’m not TRYING to. It comes so effortlessly. It’s burned into who I am as a person. A big, emotional fucking mess. Do I just end things with him because maybe I never will truly be happy and trusting because I always believe they secretly resent me for asking for constant reassurance and are waiting on the right time to tell me? I feel like I always do this. And I never leave first. They always do and I regret not beating them to it. I didn’t feel like this just a week ago and now it’s all crashing down. That tiny bastard orange pill was making me believe everything was okay but now I’m not sure what to believe. I wish I was fucking normal. I want to be easy to love and be with. Why do I have to be a fucking challenge. Why am I the “test” for my partners on what type of person they truly are. When they leave I don’t even blame them. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. I AM EXHAUSTING. I’ve been trying so hard to balance things out, to Become smooth. No matter how hard I file away at my surface, I remain sharp and rigid. Poking the people I care about until they bleed and all I can over is a small Bandage that conceals the cut until it scabs over, and I pick at it again.