The aftermath of a fight with your parent/s.

just “fought” with my mother. i say that in quotations because it was more of a misunderstanding, me feeling hurt, me getting angry at her and vice versa. and then going back down to conversation where neither of us were able to understand or accept each other’s pain.

the aftermath is always so confusing for me. like constructively what do i make of this? I try to think of things i can do to minimise flare ups. and i know what i can do to minimise them. i know what i should do in the future to not humiliate myself further. i’m also feeling the shame of how embarrassing i was during this altercation, when we are distressed and hurt we often say things without thinking that might humiliate us further - other family members were present.

i feel so confused and ashamed. its not the first time where i am sitting in the aftermath of an escalation like this, thinking the same thoughts. these things never feel linear, they’re always more nuanced and complex. the person who feels hurt is shamed for being weak and sensitive, but it remains true that something made that person feel violated. i wish I could approach my family with more detachment and stoicism but when these things happen i can’t imagine how.